Tabula Rasa
by tavingtonsbeauty
Summary: AU setting - James was happily married to a young woman who now must watch him suffer with his friends as he dies by inches and wants to go to his favorite place before time runs out. He wants to make his time count, but he is growing weaker. His wife is pregnant which adds the madness of his pain induced flashes of anger and her pregnancy hormones. She refused to be left behind.
1. Life Interrupted

Tabula Rosa

Chapter 1 – Life Interrupted

A young woman was running along a beach.

There was a man chasing her.

Her legs were not as long, but she was faster through the brush. She, however, burst into an open meadow, open ground where the man would have more of an advantage. She ran as quickly as she could. She turned her head to look back a second. He was already overtaking her.

He caught her and she laughed as he grabbed her and slung her over his shoulder, his hand coming to rest on her well formed bottom under her summer dress. She kicked and beat his back with her small fists, the whole time shrieking with laughter.

The man laughed to. "Keep it up and I will have my wicked way with you here." He warned looking under his arm at her as she pushed herself up against his hip.

"James!" She giggled as the hand planted on her ass dug into the muscle.

He made a noise in his throat as he shifted her, letting her fall forward, catching her gently to him and rolling so he would take the brunt of the fall. He then rolled over, sitting up as he straddled her hips, tucking his feet. He grabbed her arms as she tried to push him off, putting both her wrists in one large hand. The other moved and cupped her full breast beneath the thin cover of her dress. She was warm and beautiful as she panted under him, her hair in the soft sweet grass. Her skin was a lovely bronze from spending many hours in the sun. Her hair was a red auburn that shone in the light of the sun.

"James!" She said again struggling more, but he pinned her, leaning down so his face was inches from her own as she looked at him, her gray-blue eyes like the mists that swirled the bay in the morning.

"Yes?" He asked, his free hand planting near her shoulder.

She smiled, searching his face. "I love you."

"We are going to be married in a week." He said. "Can you believe it?"

"No." she smiled at him. She finally stopped trying to buck him off and lay there, looking up at him. "James Griffiths will finally marry." He released her hands a moment.

"Hummm make you an honest woman." He teased. He bent and kissed her lightly.

She laughed and playfully smacked his shoulder.

"Hey, ouch!" He said looking at his arm and then her. He then smiled and dropped his hands to her side.

"Oh you wouldn't…"

"Oh yes I would…" He said laughing as he caressed her lightly with nimble fingers knowing how ticklish she was.

She shrieked again, fighting until she was out of breath. He stopped after a few moments and bent, kissing her again, softly at first, feeling her pant against him, and then deepening the kiss, his tongue pressing into her mouth.

His hands shifted working under her dress to caress her bottom and then her hips. "God I love you." He murmured against her neck.

She smiled and gasped as he began to pull her dress up. "James! Someone will see!"

He smiled against her skin. "So?"

She growled. "No!"

He sighed and let his hands relax and pressed his forward to hers. "Soon it will be the two of us with a dozen children."

"A dozen?"

"Oh at least." He smiled.

She laughed and pushed him over. "I think not."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. I am not going to get fat baring you a brood."

He was laughing to. "Just a couple then."

"Better." She said kissing him.

ZzZ

They were married a week later in a small simple ceremony attended by some family and friends. Elizabeth was an orphan and really did not have many members of her family or friends. She and James had met in college. She had met Miles at a party and they had dated a couple times, but at a party, she had met his best friend James. After Miles and she broke up, James asked her on a date.

Miles was a little bitter about it, but realized his friend was truly happy with Elizabeth and he could hardly begrudge his best friend since they were children that. He had been there when James had asked Elizabeth to marry him. The pair of them was perfect for each other. He made them promise to be a godparent to their firstborn.

James of course agreed with a laugh and made Miles his best man.

All three of them were twenty-six and everything seemed perfect.

James was a doting husband and sweet affection lover who loved his wife with his soul. He was happy when she got her degree in chemistry, something she loved. She was working for a pharmaceutical company. Long hours, but good benefits. James wanted to be a writer and she was more than happy to have him stay home and be a house-husband as it were. He cooked, cleaned, and raised vegetables in a garden while she worked.

She would come home, exhausted and hungry and he would feed her and then tenderly make love to her, letting her know she was loved and she was beautiful. She would at times be so tired she would fall asleep in the bath when she would take one.

He had been overjoyed when she announced her pregnancy to him, but then devastated with her when she had miscarried. He held her for two days, his own eyes and body aching from watching the pain she was in. the mental anguish that she was suffering made him hurt too. He had tried to calm her as she cried for two days straight. He gently assured her they would try again. They were young.

Finally, she had fallen into oblivion. He had lain awake caressing her hair watching her sleep. He had found her in the washroom, crying, her legs, hand, and dress stained with blood. He had taken her to the hospital with a heavy heart. He then fell asleep holding her.

It had taken more than a month for her to fully recover and it was closer to two before he asked if she wanted to try again. Sex was never a chore between them. He wanted her to be happy and he knew a baby would complete them.

He just turned twenty-seven when he got the news. He had been feeling fatigued and light headed. Finally she had urged him to go to the doctor. He had and discovered he had tumor on his neck that was growing. Being as young as he was the doctors did an aggressive surgery to be followed by chemotherapy. Rhabdomyosarcoma was treatable, but far more so in children. Still the prognosis was good after they removed the tumor and started him on the chemo.

Elizabeth was at his side for every season, holding his hands in their cold mittens. She even surprised him by shaving her head to match him as his hair fell out. He looked so tired, but he loved her for her support. He was sick from the treatment and threw up a fair amount after the sessions. Elizabeth took it in stride and gently nursed him, working half days with her boss's permission to be with him and even working from home.

After four months the cancer was in remission and James began to regain his strength. He loved his wife so much remembering all her help, love, affection, and playfulness when she was feeding him jello and pudding.

She knew he was on the mend when he had woken her and made love to her and it didn't exhaust him. He was happy and again their life seemed to be getting back to normal. They were happy, so very happy.

It was three months before James' twenty-ninth birthday when he realized something wasn't right. He went to the doctor and nearly choked. His cancer was back and this time had been found in other parts of his body including his bone marrow. They could attempt a transplant if they could find a donor. James went home looking at all the paperwork before him.

How was he going to tell his wife?

She came home to him. He had cooked a lovely meal for her, her favorite, but his red eyes and nose made her look at him.

"What is it?" She asked walking to him.

He turned away unable to face her. She wrapped his arms about him. "James…?"

"I…" His head dropped. He turned to her and put his hands on her face. "Sweetheart…My…my cancer is back…" He whispered, tears coming to his eyes.

"What?!" She gasped.

"I know…I know…" He said.

She broke free from him and turned and walked out the back door.

"Lizzy. Lizzy!" She ignored him and disappeared into the night.

He hung his head knowing this time might break her. She had been so supportive, it had been so taxing on her. She had become ill for a time. He did not want that again. He plated her food and put in the fridge, waiting for her to come home after he ate, or rather picked at his own food. She knew the area, but still, it was dark. Where had she gone?

It was nearly two hours later she came into the light from the house. Her eyes were puffy and her knuckles were bloody as though she had been punching something in anger. He looked up from where he stood looking, waiting for her to come home to him. He had almost been ready to go after her.

He came out the door. "Where were you? I was worried." He whispered softly taking a step toward her.

She took a step backward, but then her hand went to her head and she dropped to the ground. "I…" She felt so faint suddenly. "James…"

"Elizabeth!" He cried.

She whimpered as he dropped to his knees beside her, his hands going to her head and body, checking for damage. He then wrapped his arms about her, lifting her to him, and then up in his arms. She went limp in his arms, her head flopping back over his arm.

"Oh God. Lizzy!" He gasped bringing her into the house. He laid her body on the couch before calling for an ambulance to come.

He knelt by her head, gently caressing her face, checking her breathing and heartbeat. "Oh Lizzy…"

The paramedics collected her. Her blood pressure was low. James called his parents and then hopped up into the ambulance as they rode to the hospital. They got an IV started and still she did not wake.

It was nearly dawn before her eyes fluttered. James had spoken with the doctors. He looked at his wife. She looked so small and pale on the sheets. The doctor told him she had been suffered from extremely low blood sugar and blood pressure due to pregnancy. She was more than two months along.

How had James missed her period not being there? He shook his head and thanked the doctor. He went to Elizabeth's side. He took her hand. When she opened her eyes, he looked at her, tears in his own as he cupped her hand. "I love you." He whispered.

"I know…"

"Why did you leave?"

"I…I just couldn't handle that after my day…" She looked down. "I'm sorry."

He touched her face. "I am so happy and yet so sad."

"What?"

"You're pregnant." He whispered kissing her wrist. "I want you to be happy. To have the baby as a memory of me."

"We don't know if the cancer is that bad. We can treat it again. I can force you to eat lime jello again." She said her eyes searching his face.

"Elizabeth…" He closed his eyes and swallowed. "They gave me three to six months." A tear dropped. "I will not live to see thirty and I will not be here when the baby comes." He laid a hand on her belly.

"We do nothing?!" She cried.

"Lizzy…calm yourself…" He whispered. "For the baby…"

She took a breath. "I…"

"Sweetheart. I don't want to go, but…"

They held each other and sobbed.

Their perfect world was being robbed from them.

ZzZ

Three months later…

It was James's twenty-ninth birthday.

He would not live to see thirty.

He was going with his mates to James's favorite beach at Barafundle Bay. Elizabeth was joining them as well over her husband's objections, but he finally conceded when Miles did not show any signs of coming. They had been there several times when they were together, when James was well. It was where he had proposed to her and won her affection. It was where he had played with his mates while she watched. It was where he had taken her for their honeymoon and made love to her under the stars.

All those happy memories…

He wanted to remember them.

Miles had been out of Jame's life for nearly two years. Lizzy had missed him. She had help with James now. Davy, a mate from school had lost his job. She was grateful for his help and perseverance even as her belly grew.

She was more than five months along, nearly six, her abdomen was swollen like a ripe fruit with the child that her husband would likely never meet.

She, Chloe, his elder sister, her daughters, and his parents buzzed around the home making ready for the birthday party. Upstairs, James and Davy were getting dressed. Lizzy came up stairs and came in as Davy was helping James get on his shoe.

She smiled. "Are you two ready?"

"Nearly." James smiled at her.

She sighed. He had become weaker in the last month, needing a cane to walk and needing powerful drugs to combat the pain to make it manageable. He was terminal. It was hard for her to face, but she did with a braver face than Chloe. Chloe wept often and had even acted hostile toward Lizzy one more than one occasion for allowing herself to become pregnant by her terminally ill brother. James had broken up the verbal hostility telling his sister that he was happy for his coming baby and it gave him hope to fight, though the fight was hard and he knew he was losing.

He hardly had the strength to make love to his wife anymore. She seemed to take it in stride, but it angered him and he lashed out about it. She thought his rage was aimed at her and so had rolled over, quivering. He had cooled and come to her, kissing her shoulder, begging forgiveness for his outburst. He explained himself and she relaxed.

Davy helped James down the stairs and to the table. James sat down heavily as those about fluttered bringing food and drinks. Lizzy looked beautiful. She was glowing with her belly high under her chin as she walked, or more waddled about holding things.

They all ate and then she brought out a cake. They sang to James and he smiled. He blew out the candles and Elizabeth hugged him gently and kissed his cheek. He got up and walked into the yard. Outside he took a breath. Lizzy watched him go and then collapse in a chair, his hat protecting him from the sun as he stretched his legs before him. His mother moved to follow, but Lizzy shook her head at her and she sighed and moved the other way.

Bill came to her and smiled. "Hi." He said.

The Scotsman was the fun-loving man who had built the cart for James to ride in. He would not be able to walk the way so he had built a cart for him and had a tree that he had grown from seed to plant where James wanted as a memorial to him.

Miles arrived, James' dearest friend. He greeted everyone in the house and then turned to Lizzy who was watching James as she stood near the door. He looked at her. "You look well."

"It has been a while." She said.

"I missed you too."

She rolled her eyes. "Go on then." She said.

He ducked and hugged her, kissing her cheek. "I will then." He walked out and looked at James as Elizabeth watched them.

"Miles." James said.

"You look like shit." Miles said looking at him. I thought they'd stuck you out here 'cos you'd snuffed it." He said.

James looked up at him. "Having a pretty good day rhabdomyosarcoma-wise –"

"You, You, You. Jesus…" Miles started and then sighed.

James laughed. "How are you? You look amazing."

"Thank you, James. I think you're right." They looked at each other. Mile coughed. "Lizzy looks amazing."

"I know." James said looking back toward where she was, leaning against the door, a hand on the expanse of her womb. He looked back at Miles. "Wish me Happy Birthday." He said softly.

"Shit. Is it your Birthday?"

James smiled.

Davy, Bill, and Lizzy came to them smiling.

ZzZ

The next morning the group was packed.

James had insisted that his wife have a scan before they went. He sat beside her after the party, nearly exhausted, but wanting to see his child, to hear the heartbeat for perhaps the last time. He had started to weep hearing the sound of the heartbeat, but there was something different this time.

He frowned in concern as the nurse made a note of it. However, she then did a scan and revealed the reason for the echo sound. Elizabeth was carrying twins. His hand went to his mouth. It explained the size of her already even though she was only a little bit passed halfway.

The babies were healthy, but did not want to reveal their sexes since they were wrapped about each other. James was alright with the picture that was printed. He held it reverently, as his wife dressed again. Being a father was so much more real to him now. He longed to feel them move within her. Soon, the nurse had told him.

On the way home she regarded him. "What?" She asked.

"Twins. I fathered twins."

She smiled and took his hand.

"Do you think they will look like me?"

"I hope they have your eyes and smile." She said softly.

He smiled at her. "I hope they look like you."

She smiled sadly and he took her hand in his. He kissed it. Once home she and Davy helped him into the bed and he was asleep nearly before his head hit the pillow. She smiled at Davy and wished him a good night before she dressed for bed and climbed in with her husband.

She kissed his pale brow. "I love you so much James." She whispered. She then sighed, dropping to her knees and folding her hands to pray. She was not religious, but maybe, she prayed, someone would hear her and not take him from her.

A hand touched her hands. She looked up at James' eyes looking at her as he leaned over to her. "What are you doing?"

"What does it look like?"

"You hate church."

"Hate is a strong word."

"But you are praying."

"Every little bit can help." She said lifting herself up. She climbed into bed with him.

He laid on his pillow and looked at her. "Why are you praying?"

"For you." She said.

"For me? To make sure my soul is safe?" He asked with a sardonic look.

"No. Begging mercy for you to stay with me."

He looked at her sad and gentle. "Oh."

He leaned to her and kissed her. "I am so sorry…" He whispered. The illness was his burden, but the tragedy was hers and his parents. No parent should outlive their children and all parents should be able to welcome their children into the world.

"I know." She sighed and touched his forehead. "Go to sleep, James."

He looked at her as she settled down, closing her eyes. He touched her cheek. Her eyes opened. "Are you in pain?"

"No." He said.

She nodded.

"Just letting my fingers touch and remember you. You are glowing in the moonlight. So beautiful. I want to remember you like this."

"Fat and pregnant?"

"Beautiful and carrying my children." He corrected.

She sighed and nodded. "I love you James." She took a hand. "So much. It isn't fair. We aren't even thirty yet. I don't want to be a widow."

"I don't want to make you one." He said.

She nodded and started to cry as she turned from him.

"Lizzy…" He whispered. He snuggled against her, his body pressing to her, his hands on her. "Please…don't cry. It hurt so much to see you sad…"

She nodded taking his hand and pulling him closer. "I know…I'm sorry…my nerves and emotions are…so…"

"I know. I was told hormones are rough."

She nodded again, slowly quieting and enjoying his closeness. She kissed his palm and then laid it on her belly.

He smiled at the quiet possession of it.


	2. Walking the Path

Tabula Rasa

Chapter 2 – Walking the Path

They loaded up the red Land Rover with the supplies. Elizabeth hugged everyone and then made herself comfortable in the front passenger seat. She was the only one who got car sick and plus it was also at Miles and James' insistence she ride comfortably. All four men seemed to be as concerned with her welfare, but she suspected it was more the welfare of James' children growing within her that the other three worried for. James, she knew, cared for all three of them.

James hugged his father after he had seen the cart secure, then his sister, the girls, and lastly his mother. He sighed, happy suddenly his wife was coming with him. He was not sure he could leave her. She looked so pretty with her hair pulled back in a ponytail and sitting with a hand on her belly. The shirt she wore did nothing to hide it and perhaps even enhanced it.

His children, his twins were there within. He looked at her a moment before turning and getting one more kiss from Chloe and then hoping into the back seat. He was between Miles and Davy in the back. Bill was driving the Land Rover. It was old, red, with fading paint, but was full of character, much like everyone involved.

They were off. James leaned out the window with Bill's camera and smiled as he watched his family. Lizzy waved and then sat back as they rounded the corner. Bill started some rock music. She smiled, her leg up a little as she watched the road and everything about them.

The boys were having a great time as they drove. She sat, wearing her sun glasses, laughing with them and at them in their antics. She had never seen them all together, but she had heard from her mother-in-law about their playfulness and that Miles and James were almost rivals. They had been since they were children and she was another piece of the puzzle. She had chosen James and now she would be a widow.

Finally they reached Pembrokeshire. They would have to go the rest of the way on foot to the bay. About three days of walking. She remembered. It would not be easy on her, but she would walk to the ends of the earth with James is she had to for him to be happy and smile.

The boys loaded the cart and Lizzy stood beside her husband as he leaned on a cane. "Are you all right?" He asked her as she leaned backwards against the weight.

"Yes. I just have thirteen pounds of baby weight and children in me." She smiled at him.

His free hand went to her back, passed her hands on her hips. He caressed her softly. "Thank you for coming." He said softly.

"I had to." She said. She smiled at him softly and leaned to him. He stooped a little kissing her softly.

"Are you two just going to snog the whole way?" Bill asked playfully.

Elizabeth broke away and turned and looked at him. "Maybe." She smiled and moved to pick up a pack.

"Hey, no." Miles said looking at her. "You're pregnant."

"And…" She said. "I can pull my weight. James can't so…" She said looking at him.

He sighed and they all looked at James as he picked up some things.

"James!" Davy said.

"I'm fine." James said as Davy took the bag from him.

"I'll get your cushion." Davy said moving.

"No, I want to get started on my own steam." James said. He leaned heavily on his cane as he walked forward. Lizzy smiled and moved after him.

"Who wants to push me then?" Miles asked playfully.

"Me!" Bill said laughing as he jumped at him.

Elizabeth walked to James, easily catching up with him. She smiled and offered him her hand. He took it holding it in his. His hands were large. She looked at him as they walked together. She had gotten used to his rather awkward gait. She had her own as she waddled beside him.

He looked so tall and gaunt in his jeans, jumper, and coat over it. He wore a hat as well to keep the sun off him. He wore a scarf around his neck, one his mother had made him. He could burn easily.

His nut brown wife wore a jumped over her shirt and leggings. She smiled as they walked together, letting the other three deal with the cart.

They had walked for over an hour. James had gotten hot and removed his coat. He was in a long sleeved shirt and vest now, his scarf loose about his neck, with his hat on. Elizabeth's airy clothing made her look ethereal even with her swollen belly.

The boys were pushing the cart along. "But bumpy though." Bill said.

"Like sex with an anorexic?" Miles said.

"Well you would know." James said looking back at him as he still held his wife's hand.

"How is Melissa?" Bill asked.

"Well she is fat now." Miles said.

"Is she?" Davy asked.

"Yeah."

"Hey stop talking about me." Lizzy said. "I am right here."

James laughed. "He didn't mean you, sweetheart."

"No, no I didn't." Miles said lifting a hand grinning.

They walked onto a bridge.

"How bloody beautiful is this?" Bill asked, holding his camera as he walked up to James and they both smiled. He wrapped an arm around Jame's shoulders. James took his hand and smiled more before letting go. James adjusted his hat and looked about as he leaned on his cane.

They looked at the river.

"Do we have to get to a certain point tonight?" Miles asked.

Bill shook his head. "We'll walk until... well until James needs a rest."

"I'm fine for now." James said looking at him.

Elizabeth smiled as she leaned against the wall. The sun on her face made it look a beautiful olive color. It came from her being Greek, Scottish, and German. It was the Greek in her that was clearly coming out in how she tanned. Bill aimed the camera at her. "Damn you are just lovely." He smiled. "Does that clot of a husband of yours tell you?" He asked.

She smiled radiantly as James hobbled passed her. She laid a hand on his shoulder in a soft caress. She smiled back at Bill and the camera. "Every day."

Bill chuckled. "I can't believe you are walking six months pregnant."

"Why not? Fresh air is good for the lungs, body, and the babies, isn't it?"

"Babies?" Davy asked stepping forward. "As in more than one in there?"

Lizzy was suddenly coy turning her head and blushing.

James stopped and looked back. "She is carrying twins." He said simply as he took a breath.

His friends looked at each other. Miles then smiled and walked to his friend patting his back lightly. "Well done, mate!"

Elizabeth smiled.

They continued to the other side and back into the woods. Lizzy paused, gasping a little. Her hand flew to her belly as she leaned her back against the tree. James was ahead. Bill and Miles pushed the cart by as she took a breath, her head down, breathing deeply as she caressed the spot.

"Oi." Davy said softly coming to her. "What's the matter?"

She looked up. "Nothing." She said straightening. "Nothing I am fine."

He looked after her as she moved to catch up with James. Davy looked after her as she moved, her hand still resting on the spot where it had been.

James finally became tired enough that he needed to get in the cart. The boys pushed him as Lizzy walked in front.

"Hummm nice view." James said looking at her.

She looked back at him and laughed lightly. "Lies." Even so she wiggled her bottom playfully.

Miles made a whooping noise and she giggled as they continued.

They continued until they went up a slight incline with a rock. Lizzy was ahead.

"Woah!" Bill cried.

"Cart malfunction everyone!" James said.

Bill and Davy examined the damaged axel as James climbed out waving off Lizzy who came to him.

"I knew it! It's the weight I'm telling you!" Davy said.

"Is it fucked?" Miles asked.

"Not on my shift." Bill said. "In the mesh bag. Get the kit." He said.

"I would, but there is so much weight." Davy said.

"Gee Whiz, just start pulling things off." Bill said.

James held a radio in his hands. He turned it off and looked back at his wife. She was leaning against a stump, smiling as the light shone about her, her hand on her belly, caressing it, humming softly. He limped to her as the boys argued.

"Gee Whiz? Who says Gee Whiz?" Davy asked.

"Did you really say that? Did you really say Gee Whiz, Bill?" Miles asked.

"Yes I did, now help." Bill said.

James touched his wife's belly softly. Her eyes opened. The sun in her hair made it look fiery as she looked up at him. "Hi." She smiled lifting a hand to his gaunt face.

"Hi." He smiled. "What are you thinking about?"

"The babies." She said softly.

He smiled and bent down, kissing her belly softly. He straightened and kissed her. "I love you."

"I know. I love you too." She smiled and touched his cheek.

"Gee Whiz it's a mesh bag!" Miles said behind them.

James chuckled and so did Elizabeth. He then grunted a little. She looked at him in concern. He lifted a hand and shook his head. "No. I'm fine." He said.

She looked at him not fully convinced.

He smiled disarmingly and caressed her belly, his large hand splaying on the tender flesh. He stepped closer and kissed her nose. She rose to her feet and stepped to him. He leaned against her a moment, hugging her as he kissed her hair. "God, I love you." He whispered.

She took a deep breath, enjoying his scent. He smelled of his cologne, lavender soap, and the scent of the wash she had done. He also had been sweating a little, but she didn't mind. She preferred him too warm to too cold. Without many reserves left, he got cold so easily. He sighed into her hair, holding her close enjoying the feel of her against him. She was so beautiful. He hated the idea of leaving her.

He sighed enjoying just holding her in the sunshine. He listened to his friends behind him bickering as they repaired the cart. "Think we should help them?"

"Can we stay this way forever?"

He chuckled, a low rumble in his chest. "If only we could, my love."

"James Kimberly Griffith." She said. She smiled at him as she lifted her arms around his neck, crossing her wrists and looking at him.

"Elizabeth Katherine Griffith." He murmured. He felt the swell of her stomach press against his lower hip and he smiled, his arm encircling her. "I vowed to protect you and be with you. Can you forgive me for breaking my promise?"

"Yes." She said gently leaning up to him. "Can you forgive yourself?"

He shook his head. "No."

"It isn't your fault James." She said softly. "We will manage." She looked passed him. "Your mates will see me sorted."

He nodded soberly. "Yes. Yes they will."

They turned back to the group still bickering and they smiled and then looked at each other. James shook his head and then blinked, feeling something against his leg. He looked down at her as she watched him. His eyes were full of wonder. "Was that…?" He asked.

She nodded and lifted his free hand to the spot. "They are saying hello." She said smiling at him.

He caressed the side of her belly and smiled. "Hello, I'm your dad." He said watching her as he felt the kicks against him. He then looked up at his wife. "Does that hurt you?"

"No." She said. "At least not yet."

He nodded watching in wonder. "So amazing. My life is ending and two lives will replace me."

"They will never replace you." She said softly. "No one can."

"That is why I love you. You always speak your mind." He looked at her and smiled sadly before kissing her softly. His lips were cool and she gently moved his scarf about him.

"Are you cold?" She asked tenderly rubbing his arm.

"Maybe a little." He said.

She nodded and then the cart was ready again with a cheer from the boys. She let James lean on her as he limped back leaning on his cane. She nodded to him to sit down and relax. She laid a hand on his brow. He was clammy, something she had gotten used to over the last month, and it generally meant he had overdone it.

"I'm fine sweetheart." He said looking up at her, his eyes bright.

She nodded stepping back from him.

They walked for another hour before Lizzy ducked out of sight. Miles looked about. "Lizzy?"

"Oh for fuck sake leave her be." James said. "She needs to piss."

"But…"

"She is the only one of us who can't standing up." James said calmly.

"Oh, right." Davy said.

Lizzy reappeared a little ways down from them. Bill smiled at her. "Oh hey, sweetheart."

"Sorry. You try holding it when you have children kicking you."

Miles smiled at her.

The boys stopped in a small meadow. Davy walked James over to a small hedge. James leaned on Davy for support while James tried to urinate in the hedge.

"Did Miles already know how long?"

"I don't know." Davy answered, turned facing the others. Lizzy was on seated between the other two. They were drinking some tea and eating biscuits. Elizabeth propped her biscuit on her swollen belly as took a sip of tea, smiling at them.

James nodded thinking about this.

"Taking you to piss always makes me want to piss, and you piss far more than I used to, so where's my new piss coming from. I'm not drinking more…" Davy said talking.

"Will you shut the fuck up, please?" James growled at him.

Davy looked back at Lizzy. James grunted and finally was able to pee onto the hedge.

Bill smiled at Lizzy. "Biscuits – they're great on their own... but once they get dipped in tea they become a whole different journey."

Miles laughed lightly.

"That is nasty." Lizzy said. She ate her biscuit and then sipped more tea.

"That happens in your stomach you know…" Bill said.

"I know…I just can't stand my biscuits wet…or my cereal…bread…" She sighed and sat back, her hand on her belly.

"A make-up girl at work was reading one of your dad's books. _The Lebanon Tree._" Bill said changing the subject as he looked at Lizzy as she laid there, eyes closed. He wondered what it would be like to be dating her. She had dated Miles for a short time and had married James. Maybe when James was gone he could help her out. He looked over toward Davy. Though Davy likely had more of a chance since he had loved with them and he was such a caring soul.

Miles nodded. "Hummm."

"How's your book coming?" Bill continued.

Miles was suddenly uncomfortable. "Gave up on it. Couldn't be arsed."

"You should just write a diary about banging Chelsea-chicks." Bill said.

Lizzy snorted a laugh. "Christ, I am right here…"

"Finally bored of meaningless sex." Miles said.

"Bollocks." Bill said. "Later. I want to be lying back with a beer. Then I want a tale of orifice that would make most people go blind."

Miles smiled and Lizzy sat up. "For fuck sake. You are in a relationship why don't you use your own damn imagination."

"Oh? Do you have a tale or two then?" Bill asked. His tone was playful, but Lizzy was having none of it. Too late he realized the danger.

She lounged after him and he gasped not taking into account how quickly she could move. She grabbed him and pinned him down. He gasped unsure how he was so easily beaten as he looked up at her. Miles laughed as he sat nearby watching Lizzy's angry face.

"Word to the wise, you idiot. Never antagonize a pregnant woman." Miles said sitting back as his sides hurt.

James looked back over his shoulder. "What the hell are they about?"

"Who knows, but Elizabeth looks a little annoyed." Davy said. He sighed and turned holding his friend up. "I may as well piss now too."

James nodded.

They stood together as Davy went. James looked down and then up at his friend. "Maybe it's the beach, eh?" Davy said. "Yeah."

James's eyes narrowed and he limped back just as Lizzy pulled herself off Bill who was laying on the ground. Miles helped her to her feet and smiled at her affectionately.

"Ahhh the matron has spoken." He said

They loaded up again and then headed along. They came to a footbridge as the light was fading. Lizzy was walking with Miles and James while Davy and Bill carried the cart. It was narrow, allowing only one to cross at a time.

Lizzy smiled and looked about. "We should find a camp soon." She said.

"Yes." Bill said.

"All I am saying is we can leave some of the stuff and come back for it later." Davy suggested.

"No." Bill said. "If you girls hadn't packed your entire wardrobe…" He looked up. "No offense Lizzy."

"None taken. I only have two sets of clothing." She smiled. "The rest of the stuff I packed was for James."

He looked at her and so did James.

James sighed. "Why?"

"I only need two clothing sets. I can do wash remember. Unlike you lot." She smiled.

He chuckled and looked at Miles. "How is work? Are you writing?"

"I am not really a writer, Jim. I'm an ad man and I am good at it." Miles replied.

Lizzy then moved hopping onto a rock. "There is nice spot up here." She said.

"Hey will you get down from there?" James said looking up.

"Why?"

"Because you're pregnant. What if you fall?" He asked.

Davy lifted a hand. "Don't worry James. There are four of us to mind her."

She took it and hopped down lightly. They walked into the area she had spotted as the sun was dipping down.

"Oh this is perfect, Lizzy." Bill said.

Bill and Davy began to set up the tents.

They ate a nice light dinner and made a fire after the boys gathered sticks. Lizzy sat near the tent she was sharing with James and Davy. It was rather cramped within, but they would manage.

Bill moved away for a time by the cart. Everyone assumed he was taking a piss though he was actually packing a bag of items he saw as useless. He came back over holding his beer just as James started fanning the fire with a pair of pants.

"What the hell are you doing James?" Lizzy asked. She reached and took a sip of Miles' beer before sitting back.

James ignored her. "Are you still reading the stories I am sending you?" He asked Miles.

"Yeah, the one about the bike was great."

"Good. Really good."

"So they were bollocks." James said.

Davy smiled. "I'm no writer, but I liked them." He looked back. "You Lizzy?"

"I like them. I wish I had a talent like that." She smiled.

"You do." James said looking up at her. "You paint the most beautiful water colors." He cocked his head and paused a moment. "Why haven't you painted in a while?"

"I do not have the time." She said.

He straightened. "That is a lie. Why?" He asked putting his hands on his hips.

She looked down. "I can't paint when I am sad." She admitted softly. "Watercolors are supposed to be warm, but soulless."

"You aren't soulless." Davy said. He smiled. "You brought your colors. Maybe you can paint while we are here." He said brightly.

James nodded. "I think that is a wonderful idea." He smiled. "And I wish I had your talent for it."

She sighed and looked up as he began to wave the pants again.

Bill then looked and walked over. "No waft, James. Waft." He said demonstrating.

James nodded and began to do as he said.

"By God it's working." Miles said. "Not just a pretty face." He smirked as the flames danced.

James smiled.

"Not just a pretty face?!" Bill laughed. "We only have one pretty face here." He looked pointedly at James.

Lizzy laughed and playfully slapped his leg.

The boys and James began to drink beers. Several of them a piece. Lizzy just sat watching the chaos about her as she wrapped a blanket about her. She turned to a book, letting the boys whoop and holler about her. She just shook her head, hating the fact at that very moment she could not join them because of the babies in her

James was using his cane to prop himself up, but he was laughing and enjoying his friends. She was not about to take that from him. She worried a bit about him overdoing it, but at last she could not stay awake anymore and the fire was dying. They were sitting and talking now, their voices hypnotic. She crawled onto her blankets she had laid out and pulled them over her and went to sleep watching the firelight make interesting shapes in the trees and leaves above the tent.

Davy and James joined her after a while. James took some medicine and was tired. He crawled into his blankets and looked at his wife. Her hair was loose and hung about her face and shoulders like a cloud. He smiled softly as Davy snuggled down.

James pulled the loose hair from her face and then pulled his blankets so he could be against her. They had put James between them so they could both help if he was distress. James burrowed his way into his own and her blankets, making a thick pile on himself as he pulled his pillow over. He felt she was in a camisole and thin sleep pants. His cool hand wrapped about her body, his hand coming to her belly. She woke a little at the feeling, but realized it was James and instantly relaxed.

He pressed his forehead to her shoulder and felt her move her arm so he could be closer. He sighed, pressing a soft kiss to her neck before relaxing and letting the drugs take him to oblivion. They were the strongest he had and they were to help him sleep, letting his body relax, and his mind not care about the pain so he could rest and sleep.

Lizzy moved her hand and clasped his over the swell as she lay on her left side facing the wall. She felt safe and secure there with her husband there and Davy just a few feet away. James' fingers closed over her small hand and she smiled before falling asleep fully again with James's somewhat shallow breathes against her neck and shoulder. He was already asleep and he moved closer, a leg wrapping around hers lightly, trying to hold on to the person he held most dear like a drowning man, holding onto the only thing that kept his head above water.


	3. O're the Hills and Far Away

Tabula Rasa

Chapter 3 – O'er the Hills and Far Away

Morning came.

It was still early. Davy had woken to make breakfast.

Lizzy woke and turned in her husband's arms. She smiled. He looked so peaceful in his sleep. Something so rare now. She leaned forward and softly kissed him. He woke, smiling. He blinked a little as sleep remained clouding his mind. He kissed her again before she sat up smiling at him.

His hand went to her leg, but she pressed him back onto his back as she crawled to a case full of medical supplies. She smiled gently as she sat about her normal morning retinue. She pulled on a pair of gloves and then pulled his jeans off him. He looked at her as she hummed softly, absorbed in her task. Her hair was in her way so she pulled it back quickly into a loose ponytail so she could work.

She then removed the thick bandages she had applied before dinner the night before. They were caked with blood. She sighed and shifted the blanket to get a better look with her headlamp she had put on as well.

He shifted. "Leave it." He said testily.

"No. I am not about to let this get infected." She told him as she shifted the blanket for modesty's sake to cover him. His thigh was covered in boils and bleeding skin from the cancer. His hand tried to stop her, but she slapped it and pushed him away.

He sighed and let her knowing she would not stop until she was done. She cleaned it. He gritted his teeth and she looked up. "I know it hurts. I'm sorry." She whispered. He was frail looking, his skin gaunt, the muscles wasting away. She continued her task as she had for more than a month now.

He nodded and she put a new bandage on after spreading some antibacterial ointment on. She sat back removing her gloves and looked at him as he laid there, panting. She moved to his head, cupping his cheek and kissing his forward.

"I love you." She whispered.

"I know." He sighed. "If you are done punishing me, can you see to my other needs?" He asked looking up at her.

"Other needs?" She looked up. "I will call the boys to…"

He stopped her with a kiss. It was deep and caught her off guard. She looked at him startled as she pulled back. He took her hand and lowered it downwards. "No only you, if you don't mind." He murmured. He closed her hand around his swollen hard member.

She looked at him and this time it was something between wonder and horror. "You are hard." She blinked.

"Yes." He said wiggling his eyebrows at her.

"How...?" She blinked.

"Really?" He asked her in mild annoyance.

"James…no…we can't…they are just…"

He pressed his hand to her lips to silence her as she hissed at him. He grinned. "Makes it more exciting." He grinned. "The idea of getting caught."

"They will know. They will hear."

"And?! This trip is about my happiness as I recall."

"But I don't want to hurt you or exhaust you…or both." She whispered.

"Will you just get up?" He growled. He then dropped his voice. "Please…please…I want to…I need to be inside you…one last time." He sounded desperate.

She closed her eyes and moved against her better judgment. She slipped out of her sleeping pants and shifted the blanket so she could mount him. Knowing he was too weak to take her, she gasped as his hands held her center herself. He groaned as she impaled herself on him. She shifted her legs so she would not bump his legs and cause him pain.

"James…quiet…they'll hear." She gasped and whispered.

"Let them." He whispered back. "I want to have my wife one more time before I die."

"Don't talk like that." She said shaking her head.

He smiled looking up at her. "It is true." He whispered. "At least be a proper husband…" One hand went to her hip and the other snaked up her shirt. She rocked against him looking down at him. This was not about her, but about him.

"Proper husband?"

"For fuck sake, shut up woman." He growled, though his eyes were dancing.

She smiled at him as he loose ponytail fell forward, tickling his chest with her hair.

Davy opened the flap and started to come back. He froze seeing Lizzy bouncing up and down over his friend. James looked at him, his eyes clear and almost hostile. Lizzy turned to look at him and smiled at him knowing full well he was enjoying seeing her full ass. James's hands lifted and cupped her bare bottom as she moved, kneading the flesh, while pointedly watching his friend as his head rested on a pillow.

Davy's mouth had been open and he clapped it shut and backed back out.

Lizzy turned back to James who looked up at her. She giggled as she continued to move. Her husband's hands were everywhere, like a blind man trying to lean and remember her. He watched her and she watched him. She shifted a little letting him rub against her. She gasped as her climax hit her rather suddenly. Her body clenching in him carried him over and he cried out.

Outside Miles and Bill were packing and they moved to investigate, but Davy lifted a hand. "I would not go in there, if I was you."

"Why not?" Bill asked.

Davy rolled his head to them and gave them a glance.

Miles took a breath and then smiled. "Oh!" He smiled.

"What?" Bill asked. "What is it? That wasn't a good sound. Is he in pain?"

"No." Miles said. "I should think quite the opposite." He smiled more and went back to their tent.

Davy's cheeks were red as he sat waiting. He never thought himself as a voyeur, but the sight of Lizzy's full bottom as she moved on his friend hardened him and that made him more embarrassed. He had seen Lizzy coming out of the shower a couple times and he had to admit she was very attractive, even pregnant, but it was oddly thrilling to walk in on a couple having sex.

Bill looked from Davy to Miles. "What?"

Davy shook his head and smiled a little. Miles laughed and beckoned Bill over. He whispered to Bill and Bill then gasped and grinned. "Oh!"

Inside the tent Lizzy lay on her husband until the babies protested. She moved off him and he gasped, panting still. His eyes were wide as she settled beside him, pulling the blankets around her as she watched him. She settled the blankets on him as well as he looked about.

"Are you all right?" She asked.

He smiled and tears came to his eyes. "Never better." He whispered. He then turned his head to look at her. "I love you…thank you."

She nuzzled his cheek and kissed it. "I love you more, James."

"I doubt that." He murmured turning his head to her, searching her face as he looked at her, his hand coming to cup her cheek. His eyes were bright even if they had twinges of pain in them.

She giggled then. "Did you see his face?" She whispered, trying to lighten the mood.

He laughed with her, through his tears. "Yes." He said. He lifted his hands to his face to wipe his eyes. "God, I never thought I would see him that red." He said smirking.

She sat up and sighed, a hand going to her belly. His hand joined hers. "Are you okay?"

"Of course." She smiled. She patted her belly and then pressed his hand there.

He felt a ripple and looked at her with concern. "Was that a contraction?"

"A minor one." She smiled at him trying to calm him. "We just had sex." She said.

"But I have felt it before." He said. "When we didn't…"

"Fuck?" She asked.

"I was trying not to be crude." He said looking at her, his bright blue-green eyes watching her.

She nodded a little. "Braxton-Hicks." She said. "The doctor says it is 'false-labor'. Not regular, minor contractions for the most part. The first time I went to hospital in a fright. Apparently, ever first time mother does that. They sent me home and told me what to look for with real labor. Besides I am far too early." She patted his chest lightly. "We are fine. Rest a little before we get going, hummm?"

"All right." He agreed.

It had cost him, but he wanted, needed, the connection to her, even now. He would not be able to make love to her again and he wanted her to remember what it felt like, even if it was not like old times. He longed for that. More time to know her, love her, meet his children, be with his friends and family. He wanted to grow old, watch the babies have babies, but time was rapidly leaving him, and he knew it.

She smiled and kissed him tenderly. She then moved and fetched his pain pill bag. She handed it to him and then dressed him gently with the ease of someone who had done it countless times before she moved to dress herself. He sipped some of his syrup and sighed, looking at his wife as she dressed.

She was pulling on her jumper when Davy ventured back in. "Hi!" She said smiling as she began to brush out her hair. James sat up weakly, but smiled at his friend. He gently looked at his wife and touched her hands. She looked at him from under her hair and smiled at him.

She gave him her hairbrush and flipped her hair back. Davy moved some things to prop James up as Lizzy turned from him and allowed him to brush her hair in soft firm strokes. He had done this often, it seemed calming to him. He loved her hair and he often had played with it when they were alone. His favorite activity when he had been ill the first time was to play with her hair, brush it, braid it, caress it, to let his wife know he cared and loved her.

She had loved the intimacy of the gentle way he had done it too.

Davy was silent for a long time before he spoke. "Are you two almost ready to pack up and have breakfast?"

"Yes." James said. He gently brushed the long thick hair into his hand and then braided it quickly and efficiently in a beautiful French braid.

Davy looked at it as Lizzy handed him a soft ring to wrap around the end, which he did. "Where the hell did you learn to do that?"

"I have a sister." James explained. Then he smiled caressing the pleat softly. He then looked at his friend. "And I have a wife." He smiled.

Lizzy was beginning to pack as she looked affectionately at her husband. Davy helped him up to go to the nearby trees while Lizzy set about packing things. Miles helped her with the tent. Bill kept looking at her and she smiled gently at him, almost coyly as she looked about.

Davy returned with James. James was leaning on him, but limping back to them. Davy sat about and made him some breakfast. Lizzy finished packing and smiled at her husband. "You need to eat."

"I really am not hungry." He said looking at her as he poked at the food.

"That is the meds talking." She said softly, but tolerantly.

He nodded and set about eating. She joined him. She was not normally a breakfast eater, but she had started to in order to starve off morning sickness. She had pills. The same James had for nausea as well only his were stronger.

He finished and so did she. They realized the boys had finished a while ago and she then moved to lift a pack in her arms while the boys packed the cart.

James started in the cart, letting his body rest as his friends pushed him. Lizzy was humming softly as she made a little chain from flowers she was finding along the way. The men were listening to her. Only James had known she could sing and sing well.

They pushed on as Davy pushed the cart the tree kept blocking his view to his frustration. He growled pushing the leaves to the side.

Lizzy smiled as she stopped to pick up another flower.

James had Davy stop so he could get out of the cart. He hobbled to her and smiled as she completed the chain and looked at him. She put it about his hat smiling at him. He chuckled and dipped for a kiss.

She lifted her face to him, smiling. She then stepped back.

"She looks like a pixie." Bill said as she moved off a little from the group.

"In a fat pregnant kinda way." Miles said.

Davy smacked him. "Shut up, they hate that."

"How would you know?" Miles asked.

"I just do."

James chuckled. "Yes they do and those are the three people I love most in this world, Miles. Have a care not to insult them will you?"

"Sorry." Miles said.

"Don't get angry, but I promised. I have to phone your Mum in a while." He said softly to James.

"Jesus! We only just left!" James hissed.

"I know. I promised."

Elizabeth looked at him. "So did I, and then I left my phone home. Oops." She smiled.

Miles looked at her. She was some feet ahead. "Good lord, do you have bat hearing?"

"Mother's ears." She smiled.

"But you aren't a mother."

"What the fuck are you talking about? I have four boys with me and I am carrying two other children inside me." She said.

Miles clapped his mouth shut as the other three laughed.

James sighed as he continued. "All right. All right. Tell her we have hope in our hearts and wings on our heels! And after that - no more calling!" He looked at Miles. "And if you've got your mobile on you I'll bloody find it!"

"I haven't!" Miles said spreading his hands.

The cart hit a bump and knocked the tree into Davy and James as James leaned against it a moment.

"Bill." James said softly. "We could just plant this tree."

"No!" Bill said.

"What are you four going on about?" Lizzy asked as she came back.

"Nothing." Bill said.

She looked at James who smiled at her.

They traveled for some time, stopping for lunch on a ridge overlooking a valley. They continued on. They were nearing the ocean and would need to get a ferry ride across the big bay or walk it which take an extra day. James had crawled back into his cart. Lizzy walked beside Bill who was talking to her softly. She waddled along with them, a hand on her belly as she carried a bag. She and Bill were giggling about something.

They then spotted a tavern in the Valley below. "I knew it, the White Bull." Bill said.

"What?" Lizzy asked standing looking down.

They made it down the road and looked in. There was a celebration going on. Bill went to get beers.

"I'll have a Guinness." James said.

"Are you crazy? Morphine and Alcohol don't mix." Davy chided.

"I've never taken LSD and lost my shoes playing poker. I've never had a gun held to my head by bandits. I've never sailed the globe single-handed." James said.

"Yeah me too." Lizzy said to Bill.

Bill hesitated and she stared at him and he nodded going off. He seemed to know better than to test her wrath.

"Neither do babies and Alcohol." Davy said.

"Oh piss off." She said. "I haven't had a drink in months and one beer that I won't finish won't hurt me or the babies."

"It's true actually. Her doctor told her she could have a glass of wine a day." James said.

"Wine sure it has antioxidants and crap like that." Davy said.

"Guinness has good yeast for milk." She said.

"You aren't nursing yet." Davy protested.

"Oh for fuck's sake relax." She hissed at him and tousled his hair playfully.

He muttered something and then took her hand in his and smiled as she sat down next to him. She hissed a little as she shifted.

"Oi. You okay?" He asked a hand on her shoulder.

She looked and saw James watching them in amusement and in his gentle affectionate way. He had always been a people watcher. She cocked her head at him and he smiled more. She could already guess he wanted her to be with Davy when he died. She would be well looked after and so would the twins by a man who would do everything for them. Davy already clearly liked her and she was sure James had made him promise to look after her.

Her eyes flicked back up to Davy. "Yeah. Just a muscle cramp." She smiled at him. He lifted a hand to his hand on her and patted it gently. Miles ducked out to use the toilets as Bill brought the beer. James took his and Lizzy took hers.

"Thanks, mate." Lizzy smiled at him as she turned to straddle the bench, her dress pooling between her legs. She loved her denim pants she was wearing as she sipped her beer amused at the action about them. She felt something touch her thigh. She looked down and then followed the arm to James who was smiling.

"I wish I could dance with you." He smiled.

She laughed and just then a villager in a moon mask came up and offered a hand. She smiled at him and then looked back at James.

"Oh go on then!" He smiled at her shooing her off to have a good time.

She let herself be pulled up by the man and went with him laughing as he pulled her to him and started to dance with her to the lively music.

"You're just going to let her go with a stranger?" Davy asked looking at James.

"What is the harm and she is having fun." James said watching his wife. She was smiling and moving about as other men came to spin her around. She was laughing and dancing about and clapping. Others clapped as she danced about.

"She is quite a good dancer." Miles said returning to them. James handed him a feather. He sighed and put it in his pocket as he reached for the beer that Lizzy had left. She had only had like three swallows of it and it was good beer. Plus she was busy.

Suddenly two boys started to push each other over trying to ask for a dance from Lizzy. They were both young. One pushed the other into her and the man she was currently with. He caught her to him as they fell. Another man grabbed Lizzy as well pulling her away from the two who were starting to yell at each other and get more physical.

Bill jumped between them trying to break it up as Lizzy got to her feet and dusted herself off. One of Bill's hands was shoved into the face of a woman and Lizzy gasped, her hands to her mouth as she looked at Bill.

She jumped back as a man dove at Bill. Bill lifted a hand. "Whoa, whoa I was just…" A man punched him in the face.

"He's like an Alsatian pup. He's one of those guys that EVERYONE just seems to love." Davy said.

Lizzy made her way back to them, laughing as she tossed her braid over her shoulder. "Is that my beer?" she asked Miles.

"Hummm…" Miles said. "Nut?" He asked lifting a small container.

More and more people were joining in the brawl as James, Davy, and Lizzy took a nut from the container. Lizzy stole back her glass and took a large sip before handing it back. "You really should stop him before someone knocks the beejesus out of him."

"Yeah all right. I'll be right back." Miles said. He charged forward to help Bill.

"David. I'm going in." James said.

"Oh no you aren't." Lizzy said.

"Are you drunk?" Davy said.

"Maybe a little." James said.

Miles and Bill were in the brawl. Lizzy shook her head, rolling her eyes.

"This is it." James protested unable to stand.

Davy lifted his hand. "Maybe you should sit this one out."

"No!" James growled. "Davy…ramming speed!" James said getting his cane.

Miles lifted a hand. "Sorry…sorry." He said when his punch hit a woman as a man ducked. Another punched him.

"Oh my God." Lizzy said standing back.

Davy rammed the cart into the lot of the brawlers knocking people about. James started hitting people with his cane and Lizzy sighed as she stood back to watch. "Bloody idiots." She said.

"You know them?" A man asked near her.

"Oh, aye." She said disgusted.

Someone landed a punch to James' face and Davy who had been trying to shield him cried out as James gasped lifting a hand to his face startled.

"Hey! Not him! He's got cancer!" Davy cried pulling the man away. The man punched Davy instead. "I'm not shitting with you! You don't hit people with cancer!" He said.

The brawl had abruptly stopped as people stared.

Miles hit someone. Davy grabbed the cart and pulled James away. James was laughing as Bill pulled Miles away. Some men followed, but then jumped each other as the boys lifted the bags and ran pushing the cart. Lizzy ducked a flying bottle with a cry and moved after them.

Bill came back and grabbed the tree.

"Oh leave it Bill!" She cried.

"No!" Bill protested and took her hand pulling her along as the other two pushed James who was laughing very hard. "I think we did well. Sensible retreat but... the tide was turning..." He said pulling her after the others.

When they were around the corner and out of sight, Lizzy pulled her hand back and boxed Bill about the ear. "I hope you are fucking proud of yourselves." She growled at them.

All four of them stared at her as she bent, catching her breath.

"Oops Momma isn't happy." Davy said.

"No she isn't." She said each word clearly as she panted.

Bill stepped toward her. "Lizzy, your bleeding…" He tried to touch her face and she knocked him away.

"You could have gotten him hurt or beaten or…" She was hyperventilating as she tried to get air in her lungs. She straightened and suddenly dropped like a stone earthwards.

"Elizabeth!" James cried.

Bill had caught her though awkwardly.

Davy went to her gently touching her throat. Her heartbeat was a little fast, but it was there and she was breathing. She had a small cut on her cheek from some flying glass that had hit a wall and bounced back. She had been too angry to notice.

"Should we take her back and get her some help?" Miles asked.

"Is she breathing?" James asked.

"Yeah. I think she just fainted." Davy said.

He tapped her face lightly as Bill wiped the blood away. Her eyes fluttered and she groaned. She opened her eyes and looked up at Davy. She growled something and then slapped him so hard across the face his face turned hard to the right from the impact.

"Ouch!" He cried out as he sat back stunned. "What did you do that for?" He asked her wide eyed.

"For being a dick." She said, eyes narrowed.

"But why me?" He protested.

"'Cause I can't reach the other two at the moment." She said.

"Lizzy?" James asked craning his neck to see.

Bill smiled. "Yeah she is all right. Really pissed off, but all right."

"Give her here." James said.

"No, I can walk." She said sitting up with Bill's help. He was behind her, still out of reach to escape her fury at least for the moment.

"No, not for a little bit." Miles said nodding to James.

Bill lifted her in his arms, an arm under her knees and the other around her back. She was small and light, though heavier than the last time he had carried her, a life-time ago when James and her had been first married. She, however, now was pregnant, and to him, she was just as precious and delicate as James was.

He carried her to the cart and set her in James' arms. He held her to him looking down at her as she she laid there, taking a breath, one arm over her face.

"You scared the hell out of me." He said.

"Me?!" She said lifting her arm. "Have you looked at your face?" She asked. "You have a big bruise already."

"You have a cut." He said.

"From a glass hurled at my head."

The boys started to push them and she tried to sit up. "I can walk."

Miles laid a hand on her shoulder. "Stay there for a bit. He needs you and you need a rest."

She sighed and nodded allowing herself to be pressed back.

They continued to travel. As the sun was setting, they reached the coastline and looked down from a high bluff at the ocean in its beauty and raging fury below against the rocks.

Lizzy and James stood together away from the boys, watching.

"Do you remember when we said our vows during a sunset like this?" James asked her softly.

"Yes." She smiled and looked about as some seabirds flew by. Her hand was on her belly as she looked out. James's hand came and rested against her, over her hand. He leaned close, partly for balance, and partly to feel her near him. She still had not quite forgiven the lot of them, but she allowed him to stand beside her, leaning his weight against her for support.

His hand caressed her softly, feeling the movement beneath his hand. He smiled and then looked out again. "I wish I could know them."

"Fight, James. Promise me you will fight." She whispered.

"I am fighting, but what happens when I am too weak. I do not have your strength."

"The hell you don't." She looked at him then, his face was against her shoulder, looking out at the bay, but his clear eyes shifted to her. "James, I wish I had yours, to make this journey. To say, I am going to go do something and damn the cost…"

"I wanted to live one last time." He told her softly, his eyes searching hers.

She nodded. "And so you are." She said leaning to him and kissing him softly.

The hand that had been resting against her hip moved up to her head, holding her hair lightly as he kissed her back. It was supposed to be a soft kiss, but they both let it deepen and it wasn't until Bill coughed a little that they broke their reverie.

They giggled like children as he leaned against her shoulder, his hands dropping to hold her close to him for a while longer, feeling her warmth, listening to her breathe, and smell her scent, the scent of home, love, and his family.

They stayed until the sun had set on the horizon before looking for a camping spot nearby.


	4. It's not the Destination, it's the

Tabula Rasa

Chapter 4 – It Isn't the Destination, it's the Journey

They had set up camp and Lizzy set about being nurse. She pinned down Miles first. She was the first one she cornered since he was in the tent when she went there. She tended his broken lip and face. Next she handled Bill. He was covered in bruises. She soaked some clothes in Epson salt and pressed it to them.

He hissed in pain.

"Oh shut it, you big baby." She said slapping his knee as he tried to wiggle away from him as Miles held a flashlight up for her.

Once done she moved to the other tent. Davy was sitting beside James who was lying down looking up at the tent ceiling. She smiled crawling over to them.

"Your turn, Davy."

He sat still as she treated him. He had his eyes closed and shivered a little as she touched him. She smiled at him and pressed her warm lips to his cheek before turning to James. Davy let out a small squeak of a sigh before moving to busy himself with something else.

She smiled at her husband. "Hi." She said.

"Hello." He said.

She tenderly pressed a cool cloth to his cheek where the bruise was. She then moved to tend to his leg. He sighed shifting a little to allow her better access.

"Where are my clothes?" Davy asked.

James reached for his bag as Lizzy pulled his sleep pants up to his hips. She then looked for another shirt and he did too. "My clothing is missing too."

"Yes. All the extra clothing is missing." Bill said.

"What? Why did you do that?" Davy asked coming out if the tent.

"Because we do not need so many material comforts…" Bill said folding a shirt.

"I'm going to fucking kill you." Miles growled and launched himself at him.

James and Lizzy leaned out. James had the small handheld camera and was laughing. Lizzy was propping him upright as she looked on, shaking her head.

"They are wrestling again. Why are they wrestling again? I am so tired of watching it." Davy said.

Bill ran around. "We're going to experience the landscape."

Lizzy was laughing as she pulled the blanket about her husband.

Bill finally sat down laughing. "Where are my digestives?" He asked.

"Up my ass, you prick." Miles said shoving him into the tent.

James laughed as he walked forward, filming. "That is deeply, deeply, deeply disturbing."

Lizzy was sitting at her tent laughing as the boys then made ready to sleep. James hobbled back to her. She had by then ducked in and changed. Davy was also inside, pointedly not looking at her as he faced the other wall.

"Davy, I got dressed under the blanket." She said looking at him.

He still didn't turn around until James came in. He turned to help his friend crawl into his place between the two of them. He looked at Lizzy. "Just promise me something. You two will at least warn me next time you decide to…"

"Decide to what?" James asked looking at him as he settled on his pillow.

Lizzy looked up at him as he sat there looking at the pair of them. "Oh don't pretend you didn't enjoy it…"

"Of course, but if you two need some…" Davy said.

"Oh you did enjoy it…" James said. "Well she does have a nice ass so…"

"No! I didn't mean…"

"I don't have a nice ass?" She teased.

Davy's cheeks flamed scarlet.

"You know…" James looked to his wife. "I think he likes you."

Davy looked away. "I…"

Lizzy popped up. "Davy…" She said reaching a hand for him.

He looked up. "What?"

She touched his cheek. "God, you are so adorable." She said and then settled down snuggling up to her husband.

James kissed her brow as he reached up and touched his friend's arm. Davy looked at his friend and smiled. "Remember your promise." James said.

"I will." Davy said and settled down.

"What promise?" Lizzy asked.

James looked at her. "Hush. Go to sleep. We have all had a day…" He yawned a little.

She sighed and snuggled up against his side her hand on his chest. He held it softly. He turned and looked at her in the low light before falling asleep.

ZzZ

The next morning, Davy was helping Lizzy pack while James ate his breakfast. He was still wrapped in his blanket to keep him warm. Lizzy smiled gently at him as she went back to him and kissed his cheek. She saw how little he had eaten so far and nuzzled him.

"I am sure I could find you some jello." She teased.

He grunted and ate more, glaring at her.

They then loaded the cart and Davy sighed looking at them. "If the cart breaks…"

"Oh get on!" Bill said.

Davy sighed and looked at Lizzy. She rolled her eyes and climbed up between her husband's legs on the bar. Miles and Davy climbed onto the sides.

"Right!" Bill said pushing as he held onto the back.

They moved down the hill, gaining momentum. All of them cheered as they reached the bottom. Miles and Davy climbed off and then they helped Lizzy who stood up and wobbled a little. Davy held her steady as she got her bearings.

She then smiled at him and patted his arm as she turned to gather her bag she carried and moved to walk. The others moved to follow her as Bill and Miles pushed James.

They arrived and negotiated a ferry ride across the bay. The man seemed really interested in Lizzy and her belly, but she ignored him as she sat in the bow, watching the ocean with James beside her. She watched him sitting with his eyes shut, letting the sun hit his face.

His eyes opened and he turned to look at the boys. Bill was sleeping. Miles was filming, and Davy was putting toothpaste on Bill's face. They were giggling. James looked back at his wife beside him and she smiled at him and took his hand.

He lifted it to his lips and kissed it as they watched the antics of the boys. Lizzy got up to go look for something. James watched her go as she moved quite expertly across the small vessel.

The ferryman was leaning against the side with a cigarette. Without looking at James he spoke. "How long've you got?"

"Not long. You?" James said.

The ferryman laughed gruffly. "Same probably, boy... In pain?"

"Yes."

"Scared?"

James thought a moment. "Yes." He paused. "I don't know. You?"

"Not really. But then... I'm old."

"Does that make a difference?

He laughed a little. "Aye, I reckon it does."

James stared at him in silence for some time.

The man nodded back. "The girl. She your sister?"

"My wife." James said turning his head.

"With her belly under her chin. She is very pretty though."

"Yes…" James said looking at her as she walked back. "Yes she is."

Lizzy smiled as he lifted a hand and helped her sit beside him as the ferryman retreated. "What was that about?"

"Nothing." He smiled and kissed her cheek.

Bill woke up and smiled a little and then touched his face as the other two laughed. He looked at the toothpaste. "You fucking idiots." He growled.

Even James and Lizzy laughed at it.

They arrived at the other side just as the sun was setting. They found a nice beach to camp at about a hundred yards from the ferry dock. Lizzy and Davy pitched the tent and helped James in. He was tired and he ate his meal and fell asleep promptly.

Elizabeth kissed his cheek and then crawled out of the tent and went to the others who had a small fire going. She ate with them, listening to the soft banter. She then got up and walked to the rocks to look out at the moon on the ocean. Soon it would be full, in a day or two maybe three. It was bright now and she sighed looking out as the waves made their soft relentless battering of the beach. There were no large waves here in this sheltered cove, but still, the sound was hypnotic.

A hand came up to her shoulder. She reached up and smiled as she looked at Davy. Davy, the young man whom James trusted so much and his best mate. She knew that James wanted them together, to be happy together after he died. It would please Davy whom she knew liked her a lot and she could grow to love him as well. His caring manner made her already like him.

She smiled remembering on a visit to the bay. The boys were playing Frisbee in the shallows. James was laughing, jumping, and catching it before throwing it at his friends. Davy had carried her about on his back, piggyback in her bikini as they ran into the water, laughing. Then the others had joined in and James had popped up next to her grinning.

The good memories.

She sighed and looked back at the ocean and Davy hugged her. "I would do anything for you." He told her.

"I know."

"I want you to know that."

"I know." She said, patting his arms.

She took his hand and pressed it to her swollen abdomen where a baby was kicking. He looked down in wonder. He had never felt something like that, ever. He blinked and spread his hand out, feeling the kicks against him. She smiled at this gentle soul. She could love him, she knew she could. She leaned up and kissed his cheek.

He smiled and they stayed that way for a while, speaking softly about the ocean and life in general. At last she turned and walked back to the tent. He joined her casting an eye to the other two who had been watching. Bill arched an eyebrow, but said nothing.

Lizzy sighed and fell asleep facing the tent wall, facing away from the men. A soft tear ran down her cheek.

So little time left.

The single tear then had others join it as she began to weep silently.

ZzZ

The group woke and she sighed. She realized her husband had moved. He was curled around her. It was chilling and she wondered if it was part for her warmth or was it to be close to her. She thought some of both. She untangled herself from him.

He woke and looked at her. She smiled gently at him.

"You were crying." He whispered, lifting a hand to her swollen cheek.

She nodded and turned to do her morning routine. He looked down. He hated seeing her in pain. He swallowed hard as she worked, not looking at him as though if she did, she would break down again.

He then sat, propped against a backpack.

Miles and Bill were talking. Bill pointed to two invisible naked forms. "Jenna Jameson naked there. Kristin Scott Thomas naked there."

Miles considered and then pointed to the latter. "Double barrel all the way..."

They laughed.

Davy and Lizzy were packing. Lizzy went over to the other two. They both smiled at her. She was wearing the outfit she started in and she waddled by to find a place to pee.

James tried to move and could not.

"Davy - I can't get up." He said softly. Davy moved to help him, but he shook his head. "It's OK. It's just been a bit... more than I'm used to. Just need some Meds. I'll be fine." He looked up as Davy nodded and got the med bag for him. His face held concern as James opened a pill case. Davy handed him a water bottle. "Don't tell the others." He said.

Davy nodded knowing he really meant, 'don't tell Lizzy.'

He took the pills and sighed and panted as he waited for the meds to take effect.

Lizzy returned and looked at him. "James?" She asked softly.

"I'm fine." He told her.

She nodded and looked down and sighed.

She then moved and began to strip. She put her clothing on a rock to keep warm and then dove into the cove swimming about. Weightless she was far more graceful and could swim with ease. She had won metals for swimming at swim competitions in her younger years and she loved to swim.

James had always described her as an otter. He was the only one who noticed her going out and he sighed forcing himself to stand up and limp to the rocks. He found on that was flat to sit on as he watched her. She popped up, her long hair pulled back on her head and the rest floated like seaweed about her.

She spotted him and swam closer to shore, smiling as she came closer. She was softly singing. James smiled watching her as she used her hands to move in the shallows, lifting her legs up a little as she floated.

"You could come in. The water is warm." She smiled up at him.

He shook his head. "You might carry me off."

She laughed. "You would enjoy it."

"Indeed." He said smiling.

Davy looked about for James, realizing her was gone. He came and then smiled seeing the pair of them. Bill and Miles joined him. "Oh! James found a mermaid!" Miles said.

Lizzy laughed and swam backwards looking at them. She swam closer to them. "Would you three turn around?"

"Why?" Bill asked cocking his head.

She then turned and kicked, spraying them with water from her powerful leg. All three gasped. "Turn around."

They sighed and did. Lizzy waited a moment and then moved out. James shifted and stood, using a rock to hold himself up. She moved behind him, dressing quickly. He smiled feeling her hand on his back for balance.

She then came around wringing out her hair as she coiled it. Water dripped down. Bill went to her and she flicked it back behind her, hitting him in the face. She laughed at his startled look.

They then set out again. James was tired and so rode in the cart.

They camped and Lizzy sat on a rock. She pulled off her shoes revealing several terrible blisters on each for. She gasped noting some of the blisters had popped and one was bleeding having been rubbed raw. She and looked at a small water pool near her that the ocean was splashing into. She put her feet into it. She bit on her lip so hard to muffle her scream of pain as the salt water hit her wounds.

She had tears in her eyes and she took a shaky breath as the pain eased. She then looked at her socks. Sighing she washed them in the pool and it began tinged with red. She sat looking out at the ocean when a hand touched her shoulder.

She looked back at James who looked up at ocean with her. She quickly moved to wipe her eyes, but he noticed.

"What's wrong?"

She sighed. "Nothing."

"Don't lie to me." He said.

She sighed and nodded downward. He looked down as she lifted a foot revealing the blisters and the small trail of blood oozing from them.

"Lizzy!" He gasped. "Why didn't you say anything?" He moved and lifted it in his cool hands and looked at her. "You are clearly in pain."

She leaned forward swallowing. "It is nothing like yours. I do not want to whine about my ill fitting shoes." She said.

"I think you should be barefoot for the rest of the night. Want me to help?" He said softly?"

"Later." She said.

"No…now. Keep the sand out."

She nodded knowing he would insist. He tenderly caressed her ankle seeing how swollen it was.

"Good God." He said. "You must be in so much pain."

She smiled sadly. "It is worth it to see you smile." She said.

"But you are suffering."

"So are you." She said.

"I'm dying." He said.

"So your suffering doesn't matter and mine does? I am not sure that is how it works." She said.

He kissed her foot tenderly and looked up. "Davy!"

"Yeah?"

"Can you bring me a couple bandages?"

"Sure…" Davy said. He went to the kit that Lizzy had packed.

He brought it to James who nodded to him. "I need a couple of gauze pieces."

Davy did as he was asked. James then began to bind first one foot and then the other. "What did you do?" Davy asked seeing the blood.

"I was an idiot."

"Her shoes are rubbing making bad blisters." James said.

"Like I said, I was an idiot. I didn't break these in first." She said.

Davy shook his head. He shifted and lifted her in his arms. She held her socks. James limped beside them carrying her shoes, holding onto Davy as he walked slowly back. Davy set her down by the fire the other two had made.

The sun was down and it was starting to get cold. She and James shared a blanket. She snuggled up to him. He held her close, enjoying her warmth, enjoying the feel of her, and enjoying the slight weight of her fully belly on his leg. He shifted after a while so he was lying down, his head in her lap, looking at the stars, his cheek to her stomach as she sat, legs folded, looking at the fires, her hands gently caressing his head.

"You know, if this were heaven, I'd be pretty chuffed." James said.

"I like the way you subtly brought it back round to you dying. I'd forgotten." Miles remarked dryly.

"Seriously. I don't believe in the pearly gates... What do you reckon?" James asked looking up as he caught the eye of his wife as she caressed his forehead absently. "What do you think, sweetheart?"

"I am Buddhist, you know that." She said.

"You were raised Church of England. Come on then?"

"I think we never truly leave. I think we just continue on as memory, becoming a star that shines brighter when someone we love thinks about us."

He smiled at her and then turned his head, distracted by a soft kick against his cheek. Lizzy hissed a little. "Hey there." He said softly. "Be gentle on your momma." He said.

"Are the babies moving?" Bill asked.

"Yeah." James said happily.

Bill moved closer and pressed his hands to Lizzy completely forgetting she was a person. He wanted to feel. She looked at him and then at James. James smiled and rolled his eyes as Bill felt around. James shook his head. "Will you stop molesting my wife? They are here." He said putting Bill's hand where his hand and cheek had been.

Bill gasped at the feeling and then smiled. "That…that is amazing…" He said. He looked at the other two. "Have you felt this? This is so amazing…new life inside a woman…amazing!"

"Yes and will you get out of my space." She said testily. "Christ! It is like having four teenagers."

Bill sat back, but was still smiling like an idiot.

"What about you Miles? What happens to you when you snuff it?" James asked looking at him as he shifted back on his wife's leg.

"No idea." Miles said. He pulled a drag off a joint making sure he blew away from Lizzy.

"You must have thought about it."

This was too pointed. Miles shook his head.

"What's your instinct? I want to know!"

After your 'dancing across the stars', you want to hear that I think there's nothing? That you're going to rot and that's it?" Miles said.

"That is cold." Lizzy said pulling the blanket closer.

"Is that what you really think?" James asked.

"When my dad died, that's what I deci-" Miles said

"Really?"

"Yes. Do you feel worse or better now?"

There was a silence as the five of them looked upwards.

ZzZ

The next morning, James was up and about with the others.

He took a swig of his morphine as he stood. Davy was seeing to Lizzy's foot, gently dabbing it with antiseptic she hissed a little. She had a pair of James' socks that were much too big for her, but with the bandages, would be a little better for her they hoped.

He lifted the other one as James lifted a joint that was sitting on a rock. He lifted a lighter to start it. He took a drag and looked at the lot of them. Davy looked up at him a little disapprovingly, but did not say a word.

Bill made some tea. "Christ this is good." He said. "It is a great cup of tea." He smiled. "Want to try some?" He asked Lizzy.

Lizzy nodded taking s sip, letting it warm her hands as she sat, her foot in Davy's lap. Davy continued to work on her feet. They were bad and she had not complained at all about them to everyone's surprise.

James looked at them and stepped closer.

"You make a great cup of tea that gives you real pleasure. Then you go and ruin it. Why don't you finish it then get off your ass and make a new one?" James said looking at him.

Lizzy looked up at her husband as he took another drag off the joint. "What the hell are you playing at?"

The boys laughed looking up at him.

"Oh Bill, you were gonna film tree frogs in the Amazons. Save the planet and instead you're filming some heinous piece of daytime TV shit…In order to pay a mortgage to live with a girl that you don't even..." James paused in his rant to take another drag. He looked a bit green for a second.

Bill looked down. Lizzy was looking up at her husband in shock as was Davy and Miles shook his head at him.

"I don't recognize you anymore; you're getting more and more watered down every day." He continued.

"Nice. Was that rehearsed?" Miles asked.

"Shut up, Miles!" James growled.

"James!" Lizzy barked and he looked at her. "That is enough!" She said in warning.

"Jim, lots of people would kill for Bill's job" Davy said as finished with Lizzy's feet. "At least he's in a relationship unlike some of us. I mean you have Lizzy and all, but he really is trying…"

James watched them, standing over them, taking more drags off the joint.

"Just ... I never seem to get things done the way I thought I would." Bill said softly. "When I am happy I just ...and now ..."

James looked pale as he coughed a little.

"I love lessons learned through anecdotal observation." Miles said. He looked up at James. "Seriously, did you prepare that?" He asked. "Like you finish anything anyway ..."

James took another drag and looked down angrily at him. He then started to cough, bending over, coughing hard. "I'm fine!" He said.

Lizzy looked at him. "No you're not." She got up as did Davy. Davy touched his back.

"Ignore this." James said. He lifted his arm, but then turned coughing so hard he threw up spittle. The pot and the morphine clearly did not seem to be mixing well in him.

"Shit!" Davy said

"I'm fine." James said.

"No you're not." Lizzy said gently touching his hair.

Miles moved off not taking James' vomiting well.

James laid down on his rear and grunted.

"Give me the joint." Davy said.

"Oh, fuck!" James hissed angrily.

Lizzy gently looked at him as she dropped to her knees and caressed his head. "You bloody idiot."

"Here, take the Phemoryl." Davy said softly. He had opened the cap and James took a large swig of it as he quaked from the pain and reaction. He handed it back to Davy who looked about and exchanged a look with Lizzy. Lizzy just shook her head as James looked about his eyes full of pain.

Bill got up and walked over to where Miles was.

James then looked at his wife as she sat there looking down at him. "I…"

"Just shut up and be still." She told him.

He nodded and laid back against a pack coughing lightly. He groaned and then looked at her and then up at Davy.

Bill came to Miles who was down the beach a little. "Hey, we can get to Goat's Head tomorrow easily. The perfect spot. Soft grass. Great view."

"Sounds good." Miles nodded.

"Miles, you know a lot about women."

"No." Miles said. "If you want advice talk to James or Lizzy."

Bill continued. "Me and Abby have been together seven years now. And I just ..."

"Bill, we both know that most people settle for something that they think is better than being alone."

"Great. Is that me?"

"I don't know. How should I know?"

"Why do I want the opinion of a man who doesn't believe in love?" Bill said.

"The love you're talking about is like an addiction. You should be thinking "I can't live without you today". Every day. You'd do everything to make her want you more." He paused. "Make her want you."

"Someone chinked the armor?" Bill asked.

"No ..."

"Okay, do you always tell me the truth?" Bill said.

"Yes."

"Is there really such a thing as multiple orgasms?"

"Yes ..." Miles said.

"Fuck!" Bill said shaking his head.

Davy came up to them wearing gloves and holding a large object in his hands with a headlamp on his head. "I need you guys to hold him down. I have to get this up inside him."

The pair looked at the object in horror until Davy could no longer hold a straight face.

"You bastard!" Bill growled.

"Bastard…" Miles said.

They both ran to tackle Davy. Instead they grabbed his arms and led him back to where James was leaning against a rock laughing. Elizabeth was nearby on the sand holding her sides she was laughing so hard.

"Your soap I'm gonna stick it up your arse!" Bill said. "And you!" He growled pointing at James.

"And you!" Miles pointed at Lizzy who was turning purple she was laughing so hard.

James turned and wiggled his butt at them. "Right here!"

Bill put his hands on his back playfully. "One! Two!"

Davy made a wind up motion and then playfully patted James.

All of them laughed. Miles went to Lizzy and smiled at her. "Hey!" He said. "Breathe!"

"I am…" she said sitting up and panting.

He helped her to her feet and she walked to her husband.

He looked up at her and then straightened. "I do love you." He murmured.

"I know." She said as she moved to put up her bag. "Are you better?"

"Yes." He nodded.

"Good." She said and turned to walk to the cart.

He watched her.

The boys all smiled as she moved. "God, she is beautiful." Davy said. Her hair shone in the light and her long willowy limbs and olive skin made her truly lovely. All three of the other men were very jealous of James, but they also would protect her and his children with their lives. Lizzy and her twins would want for nothing. All of them vowed silently as she scrambled up on a rock.

James slapped his stomach playfully. "I am still here you know. No getting it on with her until after I am dead."

Davy looked at him horrified. "I would never…"

James smiled good-naturedly. "I know. I am teasing." He rumpled his friend's hair. "You will have your hands full though. Two babies and a red head. I wish you the best of fucking luck."

Miles chuckled. "Come on then before the pregnant lady makes it to camp before we do. That would be rather bad form."

"Indeed." Bill agreed. "Though it is a nice view." He said as he looked at her moving up the pathway, the elevation change allowing for them to see up her dress to see her jeans and the hint of a curve of her breast as the wind shifted her clothing.

They all laughed and she turned back, hands on hips. "Are you lot coming?"

"Yes dear!" James said hobbling to the cart.


	5. Hardship and Reward

Tabula Rasa

Chapter 5 – Hardship and Reward

They headed up into the woods. Lizzy was moving along at a good pace ahead of them, though she was in sight and hearing distance. James was walking, grunting as he walked over fallen logs and debris.

"If I'm reading this map right...and I know I am. I'm seriously gonna save us some time." Bill said.

"Can I see the map?" Davy asked.

"No." Bill answered as he caught up to Lizzy who was standing taking a drink of water looking about thoughtfully as Davy and Miles moved the cart about. They both grunted.

After an hour they reached a high cliff face. They all looked down.

"Couldn't we go round that way?" Davy asked.

"Davy, this is gonna save us a day." Bill insisted.

"I am not sure that is comforting." Lizzy said looking over.

James smiled at her.

They lowered the cart down with a fair amount of ease.

"Miles, let's get you strapped up." Bill said.

"You can fuck off." Miles said as the cart hit bottom.

They all laughed.

"There, lift your arms." Bill said.

"Really?" Miles asked.

"Yeah." Bill smiled as he began to tie a rope around it.

"Why am I going first?"

"Because you're useless and we can do without you."

Miles rolled his eyes and looked at Lizzy who smiled. She stepped to him. She rubbed his arm and kissed his cheek. "Oh go on. Do it for me."

He smiled stupidly at her and then started down.

"Hold it!" He said about half way down as he lost his footing.

"Can I have your car if you fall?" James asked looking over at him.

"You can fuck off! What are you doing?" Miles asked as he dangled a moment.

"Get a grip." Davy said.

"Who's fucking idea was this?" Miles asked looking up.

"Not mine." Davy said.

"You are almost there." Lizzy said smiling.

Miles made it and untied himself before sending the rope back up. Next was Davy who got about a quarter of the way down before he froze. He looked about palely.

"Davy, you're doing well. Lean back into it." Bill said.

"Davy!" Miles called up.

Davy turned to look at him.

"Don't. Don't look down just lean back." Miles said.

Lizzy dropped to her knees. "Davy…Davy look at me." She said.

He looked up at her. "Elizabeth…what am I doing?"

"Focus on me and just drop down." She said.

He nodded and straightened a little.

"I'm gonna pull here, mate." Bill said.

"Oh, God." Davy said looking up again at Lizzy.

"Use your pelvis and your back." Bill said.

"Get down." Miles said from below reaching up to smack Davy on his ass.

"Oh ... oh yeah man." Davy smirked.

Lizzy was next. Bill smiled at her as she let the rope be tied under her arms above her belly, but under her full breasts. James dipped his head down to her. "You okay?" He asked.

"Yep." She smiled. She kissed him and then jumped backwards, repelling like a pro down the face.

Miles laughed. "Of course the woman can kick our asses at this." When she reached bottom she laughed and he untied her. He kissed her cheek.

They then looped the rope about a strong tree and Davy with Miles were going to belay. Lizzy stood there. "You know I can be belay-bitch…"

"No you are pregnant." Miles said.

She rolled her eyes as Bill wrapped the rope about James. They stepped over together, Bill holding the rope and James to keep from falling.

"Slowly, slowly…" Davy said looking up as he fed Miles rope.

"Why am I always the one that's getting it rather than giving it ..." James asked looking about.

Lizzy laughed. "Well stop being so damn sexy and you would not have this problem."

He chuckled a little.

The rope slipped and the two fell against the cliff. James cried out. He clawed at the cliff.

"AH!" He gasped feeling pain.

"James!" Bill cried trying to move him.

"James!" Davy cried as well trying to get the rope.

Lizzy pressed to the cliff and tried to scale it.

"Tie off his leg." Miles said.

"Got it?" Davy asked.

"Yeah." Bill answered.

"Yeah? Good."

"Go on!" Miles said.

"Oh God!" James cried out as they moved further down.

Lizzy popped up beside them, free climbing to them, only about fifteen feet up. She touched his face. "James…James!" She said softly.

He looked at her. "How did you…"

"Hush…only a few more steps…" She said.

He nodded.

The pair reached bottom and James collapsed onto Bill. Lizzy moved down.

"Are you okay, Jim?" Bill asked, holding him.

"Jim?" Davy asked squatting down as Lizzy came to them.

"Fine." James said. He looked up at his wife as she touched his face. "Hi."

"Hello." She smiled.

"Nice one Bill!" Miles said from where he was leaning against the wall.

Lizzy touched her husband's brow and he smiled at her. She kissed his cheek and then moved to a rocky beach. James walked beside her, his hand resting on her shoulder as they walked. She smiled at him. She was limping as well, but trying to hide her own pain.

She smiled. "The blind leading the blind here."

He chuckled a little as she found a nice place to sit. He pulled his hood up against the chill. She sat beside him as they shared some tea. The other boys sat too.

Another man was there, a beachcomber. He was a little eccentric as he rattled on about finding Star Wars figures from the 80s. Bill and Davy were talking to him as Miles, James, and Lizzy kept exchanging looks.

"I never heard anything like it in my whole life!" Bill said.

"That makes two of us." James said moving to stand up. "I need a piss."

Lizzy and Davy both moved to help.

"No! Let me." Miles said rising. "I'm dying to see James's cock, it's been ages."

"Good lord what the hell did you four do in school?" Lizzy asked looking as Miles helped James along.

"Might be best not to ask." The beachcomber asked.

She smiled at him as she leaned back a little. "I know at least one of them isn't gay. How I got this." She said patting her belly affectionately.

Davy smiled at her.

The beachcomber chuckled softly. "Indeed." He cocked his head at her. "Must be a challenge for you with a lot of boys." He said.

She shrugged. "They were mates long before I came into the mix." She turned her head to the ocean.

"I'm going down there!" Bill said moving down through the rocks.

"Your friend is ill." The beachcomber said.

"No, he's just excitable." Davy said.

"Not him, the other one." He paused. "The one who uses a cane and seems to really like the pregnant lady."

"Yes. Well she is his wife." Davy said. He looked first at Lizzy as she stood on a rock, the breeze blowing her skirt about and her soft wisps of loose hair. He turned back to look at James. "He's got cancer. It's terminal."

"Right. I lost a friend to cancer. My best friend ever."

"Sorry."

"It's not your fault. It's just really, really, really, really, really, really unlucky." The man said.

"Right." Davy said. "It is really sad and hurts, but I worry for her more than anything." He said softly looking back at Lizzy as she stood a hand on her ever growing belly.

"Aye, but you will see her through it."

"Yes." Davy agreed.

James and Miles came back from their little walk away. Lizzy moved to stand beside her husband. The man moved off smiling at them.

"Enjoy your walk." The beachcomber said.

"I LOVE that dude!" Bill said coming back holding a small float.

Lizzy smiled as James lifted a hand and she jumped down beside him. He wrapped an arm about her and kissed her cheek before looking back at the man as he disappeared behind some rocks.

"I really thought he was going to kill us. Possibly fuck us. And then eat us." James said looking after the way the man had gone.

"He could turn around and stalk us." Miles said.

"He was ... I don't know he was actually…" Davy lifted his hand.

"Davy. Did he touch your private place?" James asked turning to him with a grin.

Lizzy laughed and shook her head. "James!"

"Okay, that is wrong." Bill said.

They gathered up everything and headed upwards to the bluffs as James rode in the cart. His wife walked beside him smiling as the boys pushed James along.

"You never complain." He said softly as the boys talked behind them.

"Complain?"

"Your feet have to be killing you. Do you want to ride here for a bit?" He asked.

"Are you crazy?" She asked him.

"Well you could sit on my lap…"

She smiled. "I am fine James."

"I think you are lying and trying to have a brave face for me."

She looked down and sighed. "Is it easier for you to read people now?"

"I think death makes you look at people closer, see what makes them tick, understand them…" He took her hand in his cool one. "Love them as much as you can…" He kissed her fingers. "Are you sure you are all right?"

"Yes." She nodded. "We will make camp soon and I will be able to rest." She said her hand going to her belly.

"And eat something." He said. "I do not want you neglecting yourself for me."

"I'm not." She said.

He nodded and then looked back at the boys. "It's the third star to the right and then straight on till morning." He said joining their conversation.

"Well I thought it was second star." Davy said.

"Well, fuck, no wonder we're lost." Miles said laughing.

They continued a long. Some wild horses were there. They bolted as soon as the group came near, but Lizzy moved off, watching them. She lifted some grass from the edge and walked away from the boys.

"Lizzy?" Davy said. "What you doing?"

She walked toward the horses and lifted the grass. All, but one moved away from her. She smiled and lifted the grass, holding her hand flat. The horse nickered softly and then picked up the grass from her hand.

The boys watched, fascinated as she bent and got more. The horse at it as well. She smiled and picked up more and then leaned a hand up and scratched its broad nose affectionately.

"Well I'll be dipped in…" Miles said. "Where did she learn that?"

"Her uncle has a stable." James said watching his wife as she leaned against the animal's muzzle, whispering to it as it ate the grass, watching her.

"What if it bites or kicks her?" Davy asked.

"It won't." James said.

She fed it one last time before pushing the muzzle away. "Go on then, you beauty." She said and turned back to the boys.

Bill smiled at her as the horse walked after her a moment and nudged her. She laughed and shook her head before it ran off.

"Oh you should have put a rope on it and it could pull James." Bill said.

She laughed a little.

They found a hollow in a dune overlooking the ocean. It had become overcast and was cold with some wind blowing. They made camp and pulled in their rain gear as they sat near the entrances of the tents. Lizzy was behind James as Davy again saw to her feet. They were so red and raw they were bleeding again. He carefully saw to them and then looked about.

James sat taking some of his syrup as Davy finished with Lizzy's feet. She was going to be barefoot for the rest of the day.

"You've been hitting the morphine kind of hard." Davy observed as he looked at the phone he had.

Lizzy looked at James as Davy put it behind him. James took it and put it in his own bag looking back at his wife who just shook her head. She moved and snuggled against him and he sighed enjoying her warmth and closeness.

"Guys! If this weather keeps up, how about we anchored down here for an extra night?" Bill said.

"No. I have to get back to work." Miles said peeking out with plastic on his head.

Lizzy rolled her eyes and hugged her husband, kissing his shoulder as she let him rest against her and the side of the tent.

"I still think we're carrying too much stuff." Davy said looking at the bag. "I mean.. the fireworks."

"Fireworks?" James asked perking up and looking about at them.

"Davy!" Bill hissed.

"What fireworks?" James asked.

"You've ruined it!" Bill said looking at him.

James looked back at his wife. "Did you know about fireworks?"

She shook her head.

"Sorry, but…" Davy

"We had this idea, because you love looking at the stars and dancing through the cosmos that we put on a firework display for you at Barafundle." Bill said smiling.

James smiled and laughed a little. He felt his wife's hands shift on him. He looked back at her and pulled her closer as she smiled at him. She kissed his cool cheek and sighed.

"But they weigh a ton so can we just light the fuckers here?" Miles asked.

As night fell the boys lit the fireworks as Lizzy and James were both propped up on the backpacks. Lizzy was finding it harder and harder to get comfortable and James was weak, but they both watched the fireworks shooting into the sky with pleasure.

James laughed at the sight and sighed, closing his eyes, just enjoying the moment.

Lizzy was beside him. She took his hand and smiled at him softly and then looked up again.

The boys cheered.

Lizzy moved closer and held her husband softly. "I love you." She whispered.

"I love you too." He murmured and kissed, deeply as the fireworks continued. He had no idea how much longer he could have her, but he was going to make the most of it.

The display came to an end and she pulled back from him, smiling at him as she laid her head on his chest. He caressed her head gently, enjoying the moment.

"Did you light all of them?" Davy asked.

One sparked and flew backwards causing James to violently move out of the way. Lizzy gasped finding herself on the ground suddenly looking up rather crossly at her husband who was leaning against her, in part to protect her and in part because he could not move. The spark went into the tent of Bill and Miles.

"Fucking hell!" Davy cried as the tent ignited.

"Oh fuck! FUCK!" Miles cried as they tried to douse it.

Davy was trying to put water on it as James laughed. Lizzy shook her head and laughed with him knowing it was a lost cause before the boys were willing to give up. She smiled at her husband, enjoying his laughter. She caressed his face and they laughed together. She held him out of the way and sighed.

"Fucking great! What do we do now?" Davy asked.

"You fucking idiot!" Miles gasped.

"You idiot!" Davy cried.

"It was Bill as well!" Miles protested.

"It was ... an accident…" Bill said.

"You fucking child!" Davy cried.

"'Oh my God he's funny!'" Bill laughed.

"Oh how humorous! We're all gonna have to sleep in a tent that was made for ...fucking anorexic pygmies!" Davy growled.

Lizzy moved. "And that is my cue to find something else to sleep in."

James looked up at her. "But…"

"Are you kidding? I take up more room than the lot of you and you boys can share a tent. It was bad enough with three." She chuckled and moved off to find some things.

"Ah come, we'll have a little cuddle." Miles smiled.

"Right. I got my knife. So any of you starts going 'Brokeback', I'll be going 'Rambo', alright?" Bill hissed.

James watched his wife curiously as she moved to the other side of the tent and used part of the outer part of the tent to make a small shelter. It was just large enough for her. She grabbed her blanket and snuggled into the place, her feet covered and in the grass. She looked so small there and he wanted her to be inside with them, but knew better than to argue.

Davy helped him in, looking about for Elizabeth. "Where is she?"

"Trying to sleep…" James said.

He got in the middle while the others came and snuggled about him.

"Oh, God, you feel good..." Miles teased Davy.

"So how you turn the light off then?" Bill asked.

"You twist it round." Davy said.

"What?"

"Turn the ... that's it…"

Lizzy chuckled. Her hallow was nice, out of the wind, and the sand about her provided some warmth. Miles looked about. "Where is Liz?"

"She is sleeping, leave her be." James said.

"Yes, but where?"

"She made a spot." James said. "I would leave her alone unless you want to be fed your man bits. She is hormonal." He warned.

Miles took the hint and laid back.

James had a nightmare and panted a little. He looked about. Lizzy was not there to comfort him and so he blinked a tear and tried to go back to sleep. He swallowed hard. Even if she did not say a word, her gentleness and body were enough to calm him and yet, even with her only a few feet away, it was still too far for him. He was losing her by inches and he hated it.

Hated it!

ZzZ

He woke the next morning and crawled out to the overhang where the grasses were. He looked out at the ocean, a moment of rage passes in his mind silently, but it passed quickly as he heard someone. He looked up and saw Lizzy, wearing the same clothing as before, wrapped in her thin blanket. She sat beside him and rubbed his back a little as a tear ran down his cheek.

"Hey." She said softly. "Are you okay?" He asked.

"Yeah." He said softly.

She did not believe him for a second. "James. Talk to me."

He swallowed. "This trip is so hard." He whispered. "You are the only one who understands me."

"I am your wife. It comes with the territory." She said softly. She leaned down and kissed his cheek affectionately.

"Lizzy." He said softly. "It is so painful. Even with my meds, and I have meds for my meds." He sighed. "You have seen it. You have seen me at my worst." He swallowed. "I do not want to be like that around you. I can't stand watching you weep because you can do nothing to help me."

"What are you saying?" She asked.

"I do not plan to return with you." He said softly.

She absorbed that. "What are you planning?"

"I want to have control back. If I must die, I want it to be my way." He said looking at her, tears in his eyes.

Her own appeared. "You are asking me to help you die." She whispered. "To save me the torment of watching you die by inches, you want me to help you die." She looked out to the ocean. "James…"

"If you love me. If you ever loved me. You will do this for me, for us!" He said his hand going to her belly. "Please don't let me die watching a little of you die with me. You are so full of life." He whispered. "I can't…break that."

"But you are breaking my heart now." She said a soft sob coming to her lips. "You are asking me to…help you die." She said voice cracking.

"I know…and I am sorry. This is so much for you to bear and I am sorry, but…" He looked at her pleadingly. "You are the only one who understands. I am begging you…"

She took a breath and looked to the ocean and then back at him and took his hand. She kissed his fingers. "I…" She then just nodded rocking a little.

"Don't tell the others." He whispered to her, sitting up.

She nodded again, tears running down her cheeks as she pulled him into her arms. He sighed, feeling safe, secure, loved, and knowing he could not stay there as much as he wanted to. She wiped her eyes and looked out. "I love you James." She whispered.

"I know." He said rubbing her arms about him. "I know…"

There was a stirring in the tent and Miles came out.

"Alright?" He asked, looking at the pair.

"Yeah." James said as neither of them looked up at him as he stood behind them. A tear dropped from James' eye and landed on Lizzy's hand. She looked down at him and sighed.

ZzZ

It was mid morning when they set about having breakfast. Lizzy had made sure James was lying comfortably before she set about getting her own things in order. She had not said a word since she and James had spoken. James watched her sadly, knowing she had a terrible burden to bear now, but he had to tell her. It would not have been fair otherwise.

"Dance, dance, wherever you may be." Bill softly sang

"No!" Miles said.

"I am the Lord of the Dance, said he."

"No!"

James was chuckling softly.

Davy was looking at the burned tent and lifted a pack of condoms. "Who packed these?" He asked.

Lizzy blinked and James chuckled.

"Four straight men and the thing that survives the fire are condoms." James smirked.

"You know you can use condoms to cover a microphone actually to record dolphins underwater." Bill said.

"Oh really?" James said.

"That's what they use."

"Cool. Everyone get that? It may not come up but - thanks Bill." Miles grunted.

"We shouldn't have cooked all the beans last night." Davy said.

"We've plenty of food." Bill offered.

"I'm not worried about me!" Davy said.

"Jesus, stop!" Miles said.

"Stop what?" Davy asked. "Stop making sure he gets to do this bloody trip? You two don't have any idea how much responsibility I have to take so you can just piss about…"

Lizzy looked up sharply. "Why the fuck didn't you marry him then, because as I recall I am the main caregiver here." She growled.

Davy swallowed. "Well…"

Bill and Miles chuckled.

"You get thanks all the time." James said

"Well, that's nice." Davy said. "I am sure she hears it more than I do."

"Why are you so desperate to be needed?"

"I'm glad you see it like that. I don't…"

"I'm grateful!... But what are you gonna do when I'm not around? I can't picture it."

"Who knows, Jim?"

"Yes but before you used to moan about how you felt you were being taken advantage of at work until you lost your job and then I think my cancer came along at just the right time…" James said looking at him.

"I shall treat you all to a shrink when we get back but for now can we just have a laugh?" Miles asked sitting up.

"It's not about failing it's about finding your...your…" James started as he sat up.

"If you say Raison d'etre I'm going to kill myself." Miles said.

"Shut up Miles, this is ..." James looked at him with a growl.

"Repugnant? Boring?" Bill reached up and slapped Miles with a water bottle to the back of the head.

"What do you want? What..." James looked at Davy. "What special thing are you searching for?"

Lizzy sat quietly, hand on her belly, saying nothing. Davy looked at her and then back at James. He shook his head a little.

"James. He's doing fine. Ok? And your being a bit ... harsh…" Bill said.

"It's not about the cards life dealt you…It's about the hand that you feel safe playing…" James continued. "Hummm?" He asked arching an eyebrow.

"I thought the tea life making metaphor was good but that was…exquisite…" Miles said.

"You know, Miles, it's so easy to take the piss, but 'm angry with all of you." James said. "I don't want to die!" He said sitting back. "I want... more time. I want more time." He looked at Lizzy. "I want to grow old with my wife, have more children, greet the ones she is carrying…" He looked upwards a moment. "I'd take any one of your pointless consumer-fucker lives! I was gonna do so much!"

Lizzy looked up at him. "I would trade you spots any day." She said looking up tears in her eyes. "You know that."

"Yes I do. What I don't understand is why you chose me and not Miles. You could be happy now, those could be his. Yes you would mourn me, but not as a widow. I haven't been able to fuck or love you for months. That isn't fair to either of us!"

"But I chose you…" She said. "I-Chose-You!" She said her face twisting angrily. "And I will live with that choice. Because…Because I love you…"

She got up and walked to the edge looking out, her arms about herself. Miles went to her trying to comfort her.

"I was going to be special. And I know it sounds pompous. It is…" James looked about.

"You are." Miles hissed at him.

"You make me sick!" James said sitting forward to look at his friend.

"Don't. I love my life." Miles said turning to him, keeping Lizzy behind him. "Cancer's no excuse for being an egomaniac." Miles looked at him. "Why are you special?"

"Right, so you don't think I would have amounted to anything as a writer …"

"I don't know! That's the point!" Miles said stepping toward him. "But by our age my father had already written three books. Your writing's good but you only finally sat down to do it because it became too painful to stand up." Miles said looking at him.

Lizzy took a deep breath. "Boys…please…"

Davy shifted and stared at him.

"What? You want to hit me now?" Miles asked spreading his hands. "You ... pissy little arse-licker? Oh, fuck off! You bore the shit out of me!"

"We're not your secretaries. We don't run away if you turn nasty." Davy said.

"I'm telling him the truth!" Miles said.

"I know! But WHY?" Davy asked him. "Why are you so cruel? You're just cruel. There's other ways to get what you want."

"Davy. It's like you're actually looking at my soul through a microscope I'll have to redeem myself! Davy will you give me Aids! Bill? Rabies?" Miles asked. "Come on. Ah, GOD! We don't need to be doing this! We should be laughing and talking bollocks about the good old days ..."

"Shut up!" Lizzy barked turning. "All of you! Shut up!" She said coming between them. She stood shaking with rage and heart ache. "How can you all be so cruel? He is dying…" She said gesturing toward James behind her. "And still you chose harsh words. This is a time you should be together and understanding friendship not having this all come…come…"

She fell forward suddenly. Bill managed to catch her as James moved, growling in pain as he looked into her tear streaked face. He has started this and he knew it. "Lizzy!" He said softly. "Sweetheart! I'm sorry…" He whispered.

Bill rocked her softly. She woke looking about. She took a breath and Bill hugged her to him as she started to sob. She held him, her small body quaking against him as he rubbed her back. James did as well before looking up at Miles who stood watching.

"This is why she should not have come…" Miles said. "Emotions and…"

"I read your book!" James cut in looking up at him. "I read it. He finished it years ago…"

Miles took a breath and then walked off toward the tide pools. James allowed some time for him to cool off before he hobbled to join him. Lizzy they let rest on the embankment while Bill and Davy walked about the tide pools waiting. Lizzy needed a rest. It had been an emotional morning. Her husband had sprinkled something on her food. She soon slept and he nodded knowing it was for the better. Davy had made her comfortable.

James sighed as he leaned on his cane looking out as Miles sat on a rock looking out also.

"When did you read it?" Miles asked.

"A while ago. I knew you've been writing something and I snooped around on your computer and there it was. Finished. Hated you for it. I copied it but I... I didn't read it. And then I got sick and I gave in to my desire to... Even though I knew you'd never, ever be able to forgive me…"

"Mate, if you wanted to get something off your chest why didn't you just call me? I'd have come round, we'd have had a chat watch Jaws and pretend that you weren't sick…"

"I AM sick!"

"BECAUSE you are!" Miles growled. "And when you're gone, you won't...know that this is fucking killing me!" He sighed. "And your wife. You are killing her. She has such sadness in her eyes now when there used to be light. It's not worth talking about it, it's not going to change anything. This is just unnecessary fake soul searching which everyone is doing these days. And I can't even say this REAL stuff because I just might not get a chance to see you again so I can say ..."

"You don't need to apologize, Miles ..."

"I wasn't going to apologize you arrogant little fuck! I'm right!" Miles growled at him. And we don't apologize. I can say this shit, and come back in 5 minutes and say nothing. That's the point!"

"Your book ..."

"Ah, shut up!"

"You know it is."

"Jesus this trip has been like a walk with the sick-white-Oprah! You would hate you right now."

James looked down and then up a smile on his face.

"Thank you." Miles said softly. "I'm not afraid of failing now. I don't have to live in ..."

"I know…" James said.

"You see my dad was so ..."

"Yes, I know."

"And now the only other person who I…"

"Yeah, I know."

"Well, if you're not gonna fucking listen..." Miles said looking at him. Both of them laughed together.

James looked up at the bluff. Lizzy was standing there looking down at them. She looked tired, but no longer angry or hostile toward them. He smiled up at her and sighed. "Thanks, Miles." He said softly.


	6. Bay of Dreams

Tabula Rasa

Chapter 6 – Bay of Dreams

They packed up came. Lizzy was refreshed and did not look angry. She looked more exhausted than anything. They continued along the beach and then up a dune. Davy helped James walk. James groaned in pain and the other two boys pulled up the cart.

Bill was pushing from behind and Miles the front. Miles tripped and then gasped. "Wait, wait. I have a wheel between my nuts."

Davy turned to help as Lizzy supported her husband. He leaned against her, his arms around her. "I love you." He told her softly. He nuzzled her cheek. "Please don't be angry."

"I'm not." She said. "Not anymore." She said.

He nodded. "I'm sorry." He whispered.

"I know." She said.

They reached a flat area with a slight slope. James was in the cart, looking pale. His wife was walking beside him, getting him to drink water. She nodded to him as he drank a fair amount and she smiled.

James sat back a moment and then cocked his head hearing a strange sound. It took a moment for all of them to realize what it was. It was a phone ringing. Miles started to dig around for his bag.

"You promised!" James said looking back at him wide eyed.

"I've gotta get it. It's important" Miles said.

"What, more important than this trip?" Davy asked.

"Aw, Davy has a phone." Miles said.

"For emergencies…" Davy said. "It's not about the phone, it's about you not wanting to be here…" He looked at Miles as James got out of the cart to look at his friend.

"Alright. Give me the phone!" James ordered. He then looked. The cart was starting to roll. "Guys, guys, the cart!"

The cart rolled, gaining speed. All of them chased it. Lizzy stopped and grabbed James and shook her head. Davy and Miles dove for it as it went over the edge.

"Davy! Davy!" Bill cried.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Davy asked as he pulled Miles back up.

"You would have gone over with it!" Miles growled.

"I would have got it you twat!" Davy growled.

"He just saved your life." James said as he hobbled over with his wife holding his hips to keep him upright.

"You think he likes me more than you, you whiny poof!" Miles growled at Davy.

Davy growled and then threw the phone out into the ocean. Lizzy let James down so he was on his stomach. She dropped to her knees beside him.

"Why do people keep throwing my stuff in the sea?"

"Ok, ok. That…also was an accident. The phone was bad. Bad, Davy!" Bill said. "But it's not the end of the world. Miles your company knows you've gone into the wild…"

"It's not that simple! Everything's fucked. It's all shit and people rely on me. The banks called in the loan. I'm going under…Miles is failing. Are you happy about that?"

Lizzy was rubbing James' back as he looked over.

He looked up "Boys. Boys! We have a problem…"

Far below the cart was being beaten by the waves. Elizabeth chewed on her lip and then looked at her husband.

"We'll just have to camp here till one of us goes back and gets help." Bill said.

"No. We haven't finished the walk…" James said.

"Mate, you weren't doing that much walking, and your transport's gone!" Davy said. "We'll call your dad. Maybe stay at a B & B on the mainland and maybe he can ..."

"Where's your phone?" Bill asked.

"In my bag." Davy said.

"Uh. No. I'm afraid it's in my bag... on the cart." James corrected looking down.

"This is un-fucking-believable…" Davy groaned.

"There's a kind of amazing natural symmetry to…" Bill said

"Shut up, Bill." Davy said,

"Where's the map?" Lizzy asked.

"It's in the cart." Davy said pointing.

"We're going on, it's not far. I'll walk it. I can." James said hauling himself to his feet.

Lizzy gasped.

"James!" Davy gasped reaching for him.

"No, Davy! I'm going on. I just want one night there. If you won't come with me, I'll go on my own. I have to. I have to. I'm not finished yet!" James said as he limped around them and started along the way.

Lizzy looked at him. "James…sweetheart."

"Are you coming?" He asked pausing to look at her.

She rose to her feet and waddled toward him.

"We may be closer to the emergency phone at Barafundle. So...either that or I run back to the last phone. Reckon I can jog it in five hours." Bill said.

"When did you last run for five hours?" Miles asked.

Davy looked as Elizabeth caught up to her husband as he struggled to walk along, limping badly and grimacing in pain. She wrapped her arm about him and looked at him.

"You're a fool." She said to him.

"You have to believe in me. You of all people." He said desperately as they moved a step at a time.

"I do believe in you. Does not mean you are not a fool." She said.

He looked up at her and smiled a little. "I love you." He smiled.

"You better…" She said.

Behind them the boys were still talking.

"If we go on we should stick together in case we have to carry him." Davy said.

"So should I tell him or let him keep going?" Bill asked. Davy shrugged. "James, stop!"

"Are you coming to Barafundle?" James asked, his voice full of pain as his wife supported him.

"We are. But it's that way…" Bill said pointing behind them.

James sighed. "Fuck…" He muttered.

Lizzy laughed wrapping his arm about her shoulder. "Come on then you big lug. Who has been feeding you lately?" She asked.

"You have." He said looking at her quizzically.

"Oh. I need to have a word with myself." She teased.

He sighed feeling the mood lighten as she helped him back to the boys, letting him lean against her. He didn't like it and neither did Davy. As soon as they came back to the boys, Davy came to them.

"Let me help." He told Lizzy.

She nodded. She let him take James as she leaned back to balance the load of the babies in her. She waddled forward with a sigh. Bill picked up the large backpack and Miles the orange bag. She picked up the smaller bag and they were all on their way.

After a while they could no longer get James to walk so Davy, with Bill's help, gave him a piggy back ride as the sun was moving to set.

They made camp on a bluff again. Lizzy was exhausted and crawled into the tent and collapsed into a ball around her belly. James did the same, looking at her. She was sound asleep already. He sighed as Davy came in and did his dressing change since Lizzy had fallen asleep.

When Davy had finished James pulled the blankets around him and looked at his friend. "Davy…

"What?" Davy asked.

"What do you really think about what I said to you earlier?"

"You've no right to talk to me like that. None."

"Why didn't you say so in front of the others?" James asked.

"Loyalty you prick." Davy said reaching up to turn off the lamp.

James considered that and watched his friend roll away from him and curl up. James turned and curled around his wife. She stirred a little in her sleep as he settled against her back.

ZzZ

It was midday the next day.

The waves crashed about below like a devil's wash bowl. James was curled in a ball sipping his morphine as he laid there, listening. Lizzy was beside him, stroking his hair gently as he rested against her leg, head on a backpack.

Today was not a good day. He was weak, hardly able to walk, and clearly in a lot of pain by his pallor. Elizabeth had been nursing him all morning, keeping him hydrated and gently speaking to him to calm him.

For now he was half resting, though his eyes were open as she stayed beside him.

"Is this all the gas we have? Bill?" Davy asked.

"He's asleep." Miles said gently looking over at Bill's prone form.

"God, it's good to see him off the leash. He's a beautiful, bighearted force of nature. And she crushes every natural urge in him. It's a horrible relationship." James said rolling over and sitting up a little. He was very pale and Lizzy gently held an arm on him as he let the sun warm him.

"James." Lizzy said softly to him. Her hair was loose and it moved about in the breeze like a curtain. James reached up and batted at it gently as it swirled about.

"It's true." James said.

"How do you know what he wants?" Miles asked.

"Abby's pregnant." Bill said.

"Oh, fuck." Davy said.

"Why didn't you say anything?" James asked.

"I wanted to enjoy the walk." Bill said gently.

"Con .. congratulations ..." James started.

"Don't!" bill said.

"I'm not saying its good news, in the circumstances, but you'll be a brill..." Davy started, but Miles cut him off looking at Bill.

"Is it definitely yours?"

"Far as I know." Bill shrugged.

"And she wants to keep it?" Miles asked.

"Baby or not... if she isn't the one..." Davy started.

"Of course she isn't the one!" Bill said.

"Then use this as the opportunity to have a fresh start, Billy..." James started.

"Shut the FUCK up, Jim!" Bill growled. He looked back at his friends. "Yeah. It all gets watered down. But I stick to my decisions, however shit. And when all my dreams come to nothing, I'll be around to bloody see it! You should have told me before! You should have fucking told me!" He cried getting to his feet.

"Bill!" Lizzy said. "Wait…" She moved to stand, but James grabbed the front of her shirt and pulled her back. He shook his head at her.

Bill angrily grabbed the tree. He bashed it against the sand making the others lean back. He then flung it over the edge and dropped to his knees sobbing a little.

"Oh, shit." Davy gasped.

Miles got to his feet and walked to Bill. Bill's hands were on his head. Miles let him lean against his leg as he ruffled his hair. "Man, you really showed that tree ..." He said.

The others snickered lightly.

They continued on. Bill helped James walk along. "Listen, I'm sorry about your tree." Bill told James.

"No, I wouldn't want it any other way. My tree will drift away and will wash up on some distant shore. It's perfect." James said as he hobbled along.

Lizzy was walking along and sighed as she paused for breath.

They started down a steep incline. Davy had James now and was walking him slowly along.

"You alright, Davy?" Bill asked.

"Yeah." Davy said. He looked to Lizzy who had tripped and fallen on her rump in the ferns and sand. "Lizzy?"

"I'm fine!" She said lifting a hand. "Nothing hurt, but my pride."

Miles smiled and offered her a hand. "Come here." He said helping her up.

She dusted herself off and sighed.

"Wait, wait, Miles!" James said softly. He blinked rapidly.

Lizzy looked up at him as did Miles. James then nodded and they continued.

Miles leaned close to Lizzy. "Is this as bad as it gets?"

"No it can be worse, at least he is fighting." She said. "But it will tire him out." She sighed and looked at James. "This is not a good day."

He nodded. "How are you?"

"I can manage." She said smiling a little.

He put his hand on her belly. "I worry."

She nodded. "I know."

They continued down the hill. Finally James gave up and Davy lifted him onto his back with Bill's help. James grunted in pain as Davy shifted him a little. He wrapped his arms about Davy's shoulders and sighed as he relaxed, looking very pale, in pain, and trying to relax. His right leg was really bad and walking on it as long as he had, just enflamed it more.

Lizzy gave him some water as they continued, tenderly caressing his neck. He looked at her, his eyes full of pain and needing sleep. He sighed as Davy continued.

They went up the draw and then down again.

Davy and Bill traded for the next incline that was very steep. Lizzy crawled up and even she was having issues. She sighed leaning against a rock a moment she then pushed herself and then Miles offered her his hand. He had reached the top first and she took it.

He pulled her up and she sighed, dropping to her bottom in exhaustion.

Bill scrambled up the steep slope, using his hands and feet. James held onto him, tight, groaning in pain at each step. Bill finally made it up and shifted James a little. His next step, however, he tripped, trying to fall so James would land on him, but it didn't work.

James screamed in pain.

Lizzy, Davy, and Bill went to him.

"Jim!" Davy said.

"Are you alright? Breathe." Bill said.

James was crying, he was in so much pain. Lizzy cupped his head, soothing him, murmuring soft words to him.

James cried out, reaching up. He grabbed Davy and pulled on his hair as he cried out in pain.

Lizzy kissed his brow as he sobbed. Bill had a hand on his chest.

"Fuck this. Look at him. We have to get him back." Miles barked. "I'll run on, Bill, you run back. We might see a boat or... or..."

"Shut up, Miles. We're fine." Davy said looking down at James as he calmed a little.

James eased his grip on his friend's hair and then took some deep breaths. Lizzy sighed and kissed his pale brow. "Lizzy." He whimpered.

"Shhhh." She whispered. "I'm here…"

"Bill! Bill! This is ridiculous!" Miles said.

"I don't know." Bill said shaking his head.

"Jesus!" Miles said.

"You carry Jim for a bit." Davy said going to the backpack to look for meds.

Lizzy cooed to her husband who was slowly relaxing. "Listen to my voice, James." She whispered. "I love you…calm yourself…"

"Don't tell me what to do." Miles said.

"Why?" Davy asked standing.

"Because I didn't kick your arse for chucking my phone in the sea! Because I'm actually right!"

"Just. Shut. Up!" Davy said. "This isn't about you right now. Pick him up!" Davy looked at him angrily. "Pick him up!"

"Fuck you!" Miles hissed.

Lizzy tried to move, but Bill grabbed the front of her dress and held her down with them. "No." He said in warning. "Stay out of it."

"Pick him up, you fucking coward!" Davy said stepping to him.

Miles kicked Davy's shin and the fight was on. Lizzy looked up from James' chest as he turned his neck to look at the pair as they moved about. Davy got Miles in a headlock and he squeaked like a girl.

"I think we should stop them." James said panting.

"Yeah well, I know we should but it's kinda fascinating ..." Bill said.

Lizzy stood up and went toward them. She grabbed Davy's arm to pull him out and he fisted his hand and punched upwards. She cried out as it made connection with her face. Her nose was bleeding, but she was angry now. She reached down, getting by their heads and using both hands, clapped their heads together, hard.

"OUCH!" Davy cried out.

"Hey!" Miles yelped.

"Alright, let's call it a draw..." Bill said.

Lizzy walked back to them, wiping her nose.

"Are you okay?" James asked.

She nodded. "My pride again. Davy hits like a girl." She said.

Bill laughed and so did James. "I liked the little 'EEEK!' noise you made when he got you in a headlock." He laughed more. James did too and then coughed. Lizzy shifted and helped him sip some water. He looked up at her.

Davy sat back on his ankles. "I mean - why are you even here Miles? We didn't expect you to turn up." He said looking at him. "This is actually happening. And it hurts. And it's amazing. I've been around for it all. He needed me and I was there for him and I'm really sorry you have such a problem with that…" He said fighting back tears.

Lizzy looked up at him. "Davy…" She whispered.

"Davy. You're right." Miles said sitting up and grabbing Davy's arm. "I wasn't gonna come." Miles said. His eyes flicked to James who sat up on an elbow to look at him. "Your illness disgusts me. It shocks me. I couldn't physically be around it It's true, I haven't been there for you." Miles said looking down. "I'm sorry…"

James nodded.

"Come on, you bugger." Miles said. He nodded to Davy. He reached down and James took his hand, sitting up. They pulled James to his feet and the other two boys helped him gain his footing. He groaned as Davy turned him.

Miles put his arm about his shoulders. His other arm went about Davy for a moment as Miles bent and lifted James' frail legs into his arm, with his other arm around his back. Lizzy gently stood back watching as James clasped his hands about, Miles' shoulders. He groaned and closed his eyes as he pressed his head against Miles's head a moment. He sighed, swallowing hard as Miles adjusted his grip.

Lizzy nodded to Davy and moved to follow, gently lying a hand on Miles's back as he worked his way further up. Davy walked beside her, a hand on her back, caressing lightly as she waddled up. James was so weak, Miles could now feel it and he sighed.

Bill moved behind, his hands going to Miles' hips to help him as he shifted James again. James cried out softly and Lizzy looked up. They finally all reached the top and looked about. The wind blew through Lizzy's long hair, making it ripple like a flag.

James was lying back trying to fight the pain as they finally looked down at the beach below them.

"Jesus! Barafundle Bay." Bill said setting down the backpack.

They all smiled. Lizzy stood there, a hand on her belly. Davy wrapped an arm about her and kissed her cheek. "We made it." He said.

"Actually do you know what? This isn't the one I was thinking of..." James said.

They all laughed and Lizzy went to her husband and kissed his cheek. "You liar." She said.

"Thank you." James said as they started down to the beach.

Once there, the boys laughed and began to strip. James cocked his head. Lizzy shook her head at them, but Bill stripped to nothing and Lizzy laughed. James was in his jeans and a long sleeve shirt while the others were in their under pants.

Davy and Miles locked arms and carried James into the water. Lizzy removed her shoes and followed at a slower pace. They set James down in the shallows, knee deep, and then dove in as Bill ran in. James laughed, splashing them. Lizzy came up to him and he wrapped an arm about her as he looked about at the birds, felt the sun on his face, and felt the love of his life at his side while his best friends played in the water, laughing and swimming.

James closed his eyes and sighed. This was the best part of his journey.

He looked down at Lizzy who beamed up at him. "Will you marry me?" He asked playfully.

"Again?"

He chuckled and kissed her.

She pulled back. "I would not change a thing other than you being sick." She said.

He nodded. "I love you." He said hugging her to him, using her like a cane for his bad right leg.

She smiled up at him and hugged him as she watched the boys. "I love you too." She said rocking with him.

She propped him upright as memories of this place came back like a punch. They both remembered the good times and were happy…so happy.

She helped him out of the water and they sat in the sand as the boys continued to play and splash about. He looked at her as she laid back in the sunshine, her full belly above her. He smiled, touching the swell and kissing the swell before lying back with her in the sand with the sunshine warming them.

"What are you having?" He asked her. "I know you know."

She smiled at him a little as he turned his head watching her. "Oh?"

"Yes. I know you asked them to keep it a secret, but I want to know."

"Why?"

"Is it such a terrible request for a dying man?"

"No." she said. She smiled. "I am carrying twin boys."

He gasped. "And you didn't tell me before."

"I wanted it to be a surprise." She sighed looking at him.

"So why tell me now?"

"You asked." She shrugged. "And you are not coming home."

He nodded looking back at his friends. "I have to tell them tonight."

She nodded slowly. "They will not like the idea."

"Neither do you."

"No. No I do not, but I cannot see the man I love become so bad his life is nothing, but pain. Here is our joy. OUR joy and I want you to remember the happiness."

He kissed her hand. "Thank you." He said softly.

She nodded and looked down fighting tears. "It is what a good wife would do."

"No. A good wife would talk me out of it. A great wife would see it through." James corrected.

She smiled a little and looked up at the sky. "Heaven on earth. Remember me, James. Remember me when you are a star above us."

"I will always remember you." He said. "I love you so much." He said pressing her back into the sand as they kissed deeply as they had when he asked her to marry him. She let the tears fall, but she felt others and knew that not all that were on her neck and cheeks were her own.


	7. The End of All Things

Tabula Rasa

Chapter 7 – The End of All Things

The group made camp on the beach well above the high water mark. Lizzy had made a firepit and was busy poking it with a stick. The boys had brought her sticks to burn and she had a nice pile behind her as she looked at James.

He had been resting against the back pack near the tent. Lizzy had been keeping an eye on him as he lay there, looking up at the sky, his hat on to protect him from the sun, but it was also warming him. She smiled a little at the soft smile on his pale lips.

He was content for the first time in a while and she was going to let him be so. They had watched the boys play for about an hour in the water before they had come up to dry off and warm up. She chuckled as they sprawled out on the sand soaking in the sun much like James was, only James was wearing his jacket now and scarf.

The sun was heading to set and Lizzy watched James get to his feet. He hobbled a distance away. Davy caught up to him and held him so he could do his business without falling over. Lizzy was lying on her side when they returned, a hand on her belly.

The babies had been protesting being as she had been and she had grimaced in pain at them sitting on her organs.

After a time, she sat up, her arms behind her, propping herself up. James looked down at her as he stood watching the boys. Davy and Bill were by the fire and Miles was pacing nearby. Lizzy looked at him and he smiled.

"Sorry nervous energy." He said.

"You are making me nervous. Sit your ass down." Lizzy said looking up at him.

"Is there anything so peaceful as the sound of the ocean?" Bill asked.

James stood looking at the other four. "I'm sorry. Who the fuck am I to tell you how to live your lives?" He shrugged and then looked down. "I mean I was just ..."

"I'm fucking your sister." Miles said.

The other three looked up at him startled. James turned his head and stared at him.

Miles shrugged. "I am totally and utterly in love with her and I have been for ten years."

James looked about and then sighed. "Shit!" He blew out a breath. This was a complete surprise to him. He looked down at Lizzy who looked at him in shock and almost horror. She rose to her feet and shook her head. She could not believe Chloe, her sister-in-law and good friend hadn't said a word to her. James knew that look and sighed realizing she hadn't kept that from him, she hadn't known either.

Miles continued, ignoring the look of horror on Lizzy's face. The other two were looking at the ground as though embarrassed.

"I watched her marry Mike and I did nothing. Have children, let her do her comfortable life. I wanted her. I pursued her. And I got her."

"My God!" James hissed under his breath, shaking his head a little.

"We met up when you got sick. It's... a...It's ironic, isn't it?" Miles said looking down.

"Yeah." James said sarcastically.

"One day, soon, she's gonna bring the girls to my house." He walked closer to James. "We're perfect for each other."

James turned from him and limped toward the rock wall a little ways from them. Lizzy watched him go. She cast a withering look at Miles and followed James. He was chewing on the pull of his jacket as he moved to the rock wall and grunted as he leaned against it.

"James?"

"I'm fine." He said softly.

She looked at him. "You're sure?" She touched his thin shoulder.

"If he wants to talk he will come over here." He said. He looked at the waves crashing it with the light behind it.

She sighed and hugged him from behind. "I am here, James."

"I know." He said. "And I am grateful." He said still chewing the string as he looked out.

She nodded a little and stepped back. She then saw Miles walking toward them and she stepped back from them to allow them to talk, but she was close enough to be called as she stood, hand on her belly, looking out at the sea.

"James. James…" Miles said standing before him.

James looked at him a moment and then hobbled forward a few steps. "I knew she had a thing for you but then every woman does." He said. He looked at his wife. "I mean, you fucked her first." He looked back at Miles.

"So what's the big fucking surprise then?" Miles asked him.

"You can have anyone you wanted. Why her?" James asked looking at him.

"You know why." Miles said and he looked toward Lizzy. James followed his gaze and then shook his head. Again the competition between them flared. James had won Lizzy, the woman whom Miles liked, so Miles had won over James' sister. It had been like that since they were children. Always trying to one up each other.

James digested that and then sighed. "But the kids! What about the girls?" James asked almost desperately.

"I'm gonna take care of them." Miles said spreading his hands.

"Oh, God!" James looked away a moment and then looked back. "When were you gonna tell me any of this?" He asked.

Miles looked at him a moment and then looked down.

"You weren't gonna tell me." James said. He laughed humorlessly. He bent and sighed thinking on it.

"No." Miles said.

James straightened. "Do you want my blessing?" James asked looking straight at him his smile fading.

"No. I'll do it anyway." Miles said shrugging.

James snorted. "Yeah?" James asked.

"Yeah." Miles shrugged.

James turned away with a savage look and hobbled away from him a few steps. Miles looked after him as Lizzy stepped forward taking James's hand and holding it and letting him use her to prop himself up. He grunted a little in pain.

"James…" She whispered looking up at his face.

"No, I'm okay." He said gently.

"James, listen." Miles said following. "Listen!" He said putting his hand on his friend's shoulder to stop him. Lizzy glared at him as James paused wrapping an arm about her. "There is one thing that my father said to me that is bigger than everything. And anyone. And if I was any son of his, I'll figure out what it is." Miles said looking at his friend. He spread his hand and smiled. "I have."

James regarded him a moment before taking a deep breath. "I hope it works out for you." He said softly and then started to walk again, his wife supporting him.

Miles sighed and shook his head.

He sighed and looked down at her. Everything he held most dear was on this beach with him and the woman at his side was the top among them. He leaned down and kissed her hair. "Why did you choose me?" He asked softly.

"You want to talk about that…now?"

"Why not?"

She sighed as they walked together. "Because you were most stable, not after me for sex."

"Actually, I was." He said teasingly. She looked up at him and his smirk made her grin at him. He might be dying, but his humor was still there.

"It was a perk, but you were a lot more gentle and caring. Miles…up until just now I do not think would be capable of being a father figure and being there when I needed him."

"So you saw that in me?"

"Yes I did." She said looking up. "I saw a man I wanted to grow old with, make babies with, and made me whole."

He shook his head. "And when I am gone?"

"I don't know." She said honestly.

He looked down a moment. "I have asked Davy to look after you." He said.

She smiled. "I know. He is a caring soul." She sighed and looked about and then toward where the boys were.

He looked at her, bringing them up short. "I do not want you to be alone. Not with the boys." He cupped her belly gently. "This is so much of a burden on you and I am sorry."

"James, if I wanted an easy life, I would have chosen Miles." She said looking at him.

"Easy life?"

"Lots of sex, easy living, and not a care in the world." She sighed. "But I didn't want that. I wanted his calm collected friend who offered me everything he had to give, to love me for me, not because of how I look or what money I made." She smiled a little. "I was never an object to you James. I was your partner." She gestured. "In everything."

He nodded then and sighed hugging her to him. "You still are." He said into her hair. "God, to know you better. To love you like you deserve…"

"I am loved by you. You gave all of yourself." She shifted to look at him and she touched his face. "You never give in half measure James. It is all or nothing. That is why I love you." She looked down. "You never finished things because you were too busy helping others." She smiled sadly.

He cupped her chin and made her look at him. "Why did God bless me with a perfect mate only to take her from me?"

"I have wondered the same." She whispered.

He hugged her fiercely and kissed her cheek before he cupped her face. He sighed and she held him protectively as he wobbled a little.

"Come let's get you some food and a sit down." She said wiping a tear from her eye, reverting into caring wife mode.

He nodded. "Okay."

ZzZ

The sun had set. James was sitting in the sand with Miles. Lizzy was sitting back watching them dubiously. James had assured her it was all right, but she was still angry at Miles and Chloe for not telling her.

"There is no ribbon to tie around it all is there? I thought I was ready. Now I ..." James sighed and looked out. "I look at Bill and I think. If I could get through another nine months. Hold on long enough to see Chloe sorted out with or without ..." He sighed and shook his head. "Would give Elizabeth time too. I could see my kids being born, hold them, love them…" He shook his head. "I'm leaving early. And it all goes on without me. The strange thing is - this is what I was most afraid of." He swallowed. "I began to wonder if I would be missed. But now it's ...It's a relief, Milo. Such a bloody relief!" He sighed and looked down.

Miles sat quietly listening. He nodded looking out at the sea. "Is Lizzy okay? She looked ill."

"She is just angry. She is good at adapting though."

"I am jealous you know?"

"Of me? How so?"

"Because you won her. She was really a great girl, but you managed to win her."

"I didn't want her just for sex." James said digging a little in the sand.

"Neither did I, but it was too late when I realized that."

James nodded. "Will you look after her as well?"

"As much as she will let me."

They both smiled and James patted his friend's arm affectionately.

ZzZ

The five of them gathered around the fire. There was a bit of a wind blowing and James settled into the backpack they had made to help him sit up. He was exhausted, but he looked about. Lizzy was sitting beside him, weaving some sea grass together. He watched her fingers moving in course movements. Her mind was elsewhere and he sighed.

"How's the book?" Miles asked Davy as he sat reading a waterlogged book.

"I think it's more interesting with half the page missing." Davy said.

"I'm going for a swim…" James said softly.

"Your mom said ..." Davy said looking up at him.

"I know." James said.

Lizzy looked over at him and he nodded a little. She rose to her feet and sighed. "I'll be back."

"Don't go too far." Miles said.

"I won't." She said, already in the shadows.

James sighed. "Tomorrow, I'm gonna swim out into the middle of the bay and I'm not coming back. I know the enormity of this, and I am asking you to let me swim…"

"No." Davy said shaving his head almost violently.

"No?" James asked.

"Jim. We can't let you mate." Bill said.

"You can." James said softly. "The question is: will you?"

Miles sat beside him. Silent.

"Has this been your plan all along?" Bill asked. James looked at him a moment and then looked down and nodded softly. "I thought you wanted to live. Why would ..."

"Because this is how my life is gonna be from now on. Because of the pain. Because of the drugs that I take for the pain, because of the drugs that I take for the side-effects of the other drugs ...You've seen it" James sighed. "It's only gonna get worse." He took a breath. "Lizzy has watched me in so much pain that I could not even move other than to cry out for her in delirium. She sent you to get me more." He said looking at Davy. "My life is all up here now really…" He gestured to his head. "…but it's taking over and gradually I'll slip further and further into thinking solely about pain and that's not worth living for…" He sighed looking into the fire. He then looked at Miles who was still beside him, silent.

"I don't know what the pains like but surely we can..." Bill started.

"What?" James looked at him.

"I don't know. I can't ..." Bill lifted a hand gesturing upwards.

"You can." James assured. "Lizzy has…" He paused. "And if she has more balls than you lot…" He swallowed. "She is the one who will suffer the most, but she has seen this at the worst it has been and it will be more so." He ducked his head. "It isn't fair to her to make her watch it and make her go through it." He paused and swallowed. "Knowing she is suffering is like ripping my heart out…"

"What would we tell your mum and dad?" Bill asked. "What is she going to tell them?"

"This is insane! I can't believe you're talking about it normally!" Davy protested.

"The same as you'll tell the police. That you woke up in the morning and I'd gone. That you searched the dunes and then you saw something floating in the sea. You went to get me but by then it was too late…" James said. He clearly had thought this over.

They all stared at the fire as James watched them. Davy had a hand to his face. Miles was staring at the fire. Bill was looking down and then back at James.

"Every time I'd saw your family I'd know they could have had you for another day. To say goodbye properly…" Bill said.

"That's just it, there won't be a better goodbye than the one we just had." James said spreading his hands.

"There will. It isn't time yet." Davy said, voice breaking.

"I have never been so alive. And now I want to end it, to actually finish something!" James said looking at him. He took a breath. "I want to finally ... finish something." James turned his head and looked at Miles.

"Why don't you just go home and take an overdose like normal people." Bill asked. "It'd be painless. You'd just fall asleep." He looked about. "Where is Lizzy?"

"She's here close." Davy said.

"I'm here." She said quietly from the shadows. She stepped forward. Her voice was hoarse as she stood back watching them.

"It would be giving in." James said. "If I swim out and the sea takes me it's different. I would be making a choice I want to be conscious until I'm gone, I want to feel something even if it's the pain of salt water in my lungs. I want to FEEL…To fight…Something ... huge and ... terrifying…" He met Miles' eyes. "…and brave…" James's voice was cracking as he spoke. Tears were in his eyes.

"I promised your mum I'd bring you back." Davy said looking away.

"Sorry James." Bill said.

James looked at Miles. Miles looked at the fire and shook his head once.

"Okay. Okay, I'm sorry." James said. The tears fell and he sighed. "It's too much to ask…" He looked to the fire, tears rolling down his cheeks.

Lizzy wrapped her arms about him as she sat down. She glared at the fire, her head pressed to James's. She felt him quivering and she knew it was not just emotion. It was also pain. She sighed. "Come on. To bed with you." She said abruptly.

He nodded and let her take him to the tent. He was exhausted and trying to hide how bad he was. He was pale and she looked about. "Davy?!" She called urgently as the boys stared moodily into the fire.

He came in and looked at his friend wrapped up in the blankets, pouring sweat, and crying out in pain. He looked at Lizzy who was pressing a cool rag to his forehead.

"Oh God! Fuck!" James whimpered.

"I can't find it." She said urgently.

He looked at her in horror. "It has to be here." He told her.

She gestured for him to look as she looked down at him.

"Davy ... Davy!" James moaned in pain.

Davy looked through the bag. He looked up at Lizzy who had a look on her face. All her own stoicism was gone while her husband suffered. She blinked a tear as he nodded and took the bag out.

"I can't find his meds bag." Davy said desperately. "Must have slipped out. He doesn't have any morphine left." He said.

"I'm not fucking deaf!" James growled in his delirium.

"James…" Lizzy whispered. "Relax. Save your strength."

"Lizzy…" He whimpered. "Make is stop. Please!"

Bill looked at Davy's ashen face and then reached in grabbing a torch. He then nodded to Miles having him the other one. "We'll find it. Miles!"

Miles nodded and moved to follow him.

Davy sat with his hands on his face.

"Davy! Davy!" James called.

"Miles!" Bill said.

Lizzy cooed softly as Davy opened a water bottle and tried to get James to drink. She stroked his hair softly as she would a child in pain, trying to relax him, but she knew the pain would soon become so bad he would be nauseous and thrash about. She had seen this once before. Davy had seen the beginning and come when he was literally so bad he had been crying out for her to kill him. Davy looked at her and she lifted her gaze to him.

"James…" Davy said pouring water into his mouth softly. James took the swallows and coughed a little. Lizzy lifted his head softly and Davy got more in before James coughed more.

"Lizzy…Lizzy…" James whimpered. "Please…"

"I can't breathe! I can't..." James said as he arched up a little.

Lizzy pressed him back looking down at him, getting him to focus on her.

He looked at her. "Are you an angel?" He asked trying to pant for breath.

"James…breathe…" She said gently. "Calm yourself. I know it hurts." She took his hand and kissed it. He squeezed and thrashed a little.

Davy looked at her as she winced. "He might hurt you…" He whispered to her.

"If it helps him, I don't care." She said.

James' other hand clung to Davy's shirt, pawing at him. Davy looked at him desperately as he became more delirious from the pain. Lizzy was wiping his brow, whispering loving words to him, anything to try to calm him.

Davy bent his head close to James as James started to cry in fear and pain. Lizzy had tears in her eyes too. She whimpered. "Please…" She whispered. "Please God…" She whispered. "Help him!"

Davy's one hand was being clung to by James. His other one went to her hair trying to soothe her as he dealt with his own misery. She looked at him and started to sob as she knew nothing would help. Nothing, but his morphine.

James was reduced to murmuring and making frail movements of his body. He was covered in sweat and tears. Lizzy caressed his head and rocked. Davy looked at her sadly knowing she had seen this before and realizing why she had agreed to help him. She was doing it out of love from seeing him suffer so much.

"Lizzy…" James cried.

"I'm here." She said tears streaming down her cheeks. "I'm here darling."

"Don't leave me."

"Never." She said. "Never." She tried to smile. "Davy is here too."

"Davy…" James whimpered.

Davy was weeping too. "I'm so sorry James. So…"

"Anybody there? James!" Bill called.

Lizzy lifted her head.

"Davy!" Bill called.

Davy looked at her and then went to the entrance of the tent.

"Davy we got it!" Bill said handing him the bag.

"James, I've got it." Davy said as he opened the bag and lifted the morphine syrup. He looked at Lizzy who was looking at him, quaking in her own misery, but her eyes held hope. "James!" James was groaning in his misery and in his full delirium.

James pawed at him and Lizzy lifted his head. Davy put the bottle to his lips and let him drink a good bit of it. James coughed, but almost instantly his panting for breath began to calm. James blinked as the drug began to take hold.

Lizzy quivered and watched him fall into sweet oblivion, his chest rising and falling as he fell asleep, exhausted and no longer in pain as his body shut down to sleep. She touched his chest trying to assure herself he was okay.

She then moved out of the tent and crawled out. She struggled to her feet and then walked on the beach weakly, aimlessly. Miles and Bill looked up, both had mostly recovered from running back to them.

"Lizzy?" Bill asked. "Lizzy." He said louder. He rose to his feet.

Lizzy stumbled and fell into the sand as sobs began to wrack her small frame. Bill reached her first and hugged her to him as his own tears came. She sobbed against him beating her tiny fist against his shoulder.

"I'm sorry…so sorry Lizzy!" Bill sobbed against her rocking her.

Miles joined him and looked at the girl who looked like a small child in Bill's arms. He caressed her hair and then gasped as her head lolled back. Quickly he pressed his fingers to her neck. She lived, but was utterly spent.

Worried for the babies he pressed a hand to her belly. There were no contractions that he could feel and he nodded to Bill. He lifted her in his arms, shifting her so her head was against his chest as he carried her small pregnant body up in his arms. Even six months with child she did not weigh as much as James did and he was sick. He carried her to the tent and knelt down, avoiding James' feet and legs as he laid her down beside him.

Davy looked at him startled. "Is she okay?" He asked.

"Yeah, just exhausted." Miles said touching her tear streaked face gently.

"Poor lass. So much to be that man's wife and she is pregnant to boot." Bill said looking in.

Miles covered her with a blanket and gently stepped back and out to let the pair sleep. Davy looked at them sadly and then curled up beside them, not really sleeping, watching them for signs of problems.

ZzZ

The next morning, it was barely dawn.

Davy woke.

He looked about. "Where is he?" He whispered.

"He's fine." Miles said poking his head in.

The pair then walked together where Bill was sitting with James in his arms, sprawled, looking ill, eyes open as he watched the low tide. Lizzy was beside them looking out holding James's arm. His hand rested on her thigh.

The other two joined them Davy sat down behind Lizzy. She did not look well either, pale and her face bearing signs of new tears. He gently caressed her arms and then reached to pat James's shoulder. Miles, on the other side patted his hip.

James smiled a little. He was surrounded by his friends and family. He was so pale, but he was breathing and looking at the ocean.

The boys nodded to each other and then Davy hugged Lizzy.

James nodded and got up. He looked back at the boys, sitting looking up at him. They smiled at each other, but their smiles fade slowly together.

They looked young and scared. All of them.

James looked at the beach and closed his eyes a moment remembering playing in the shallows, his young wife smiling, a happier time when they were younger, before he became ill.

A happier time.

"Go on if you're going." Miles said.

James opened his eyes as Lizzy joined him. She took his hand in her own and nodded to him. He took a breath. The one person he trusted most in this world would not fail him. His friends watched, helplessly as she touched his hair gently.

"I'm ready." She said softly.

James' fear is gone suddenly. He smiled and turned to the sea. He walked in gingerly, it was cold and it stole his breath. Lizzy was beside him. Holding his hand. She was a collegiate swimmer or had been. She would have no trouble.

"You could catch your death in here!" James said to her.

She smiled a little. A soft smile that betrayed her deep seeded adoration of him and her pain that was raging in her soul.

He went further in and swam a bit in the shallows. The cold took his breath. He laughed.

On the beach, the boys looked on in horror, Davy cried, shaking his head.

James looked at them then he turned around and started to slowly swim out. He looked back once more and then swam on. Lizzy was beside him, not helping him, knowing instinctively he wanted to do this himself so she swam beside him, watching him as he body adjusted to the cold and her feet stopped burning from the salt water. She knew his leg must be feeling the same.

Miles checked his pockets. He took out some coins and with them the white feather. He looked at and tossed it away. He reached and pulled off his jumper and then his boots. He made it to the water and swam.

He caught up to the other two. James nodded to him and Lizzy sighed cocking her head at him wondering what had caused him to change his mind.

On the beach the other two took off their shoes and went in trying to catch up. They all swam together for a bit, but then Davy began to panic and splash about. Bill looked back at him and then at James. Lizzy nodded to him and he sighed, swimming back to help Davy. He held Davy up to the surface and Davy cried out.

"Sorry. Sorry."

James lifted a hand to him and nodded.

Bill swam back toward shore, hauling Davy with him.

The other three were in the middle of the bay.

"You've nearly outlived Davy." Miles said watching them.

Lizzy sighed and smiled a little at the jest. James laughed too lifting himself up to breath out of the water. Lizzy floated nearby and sighed.

James was exhausted. He struggled then let himself go under. Miles was unsure what to do. He looked to the shore and saw Bill and Davy. Then he looked at the bubbles rising.

Silence.

Lizzy was nearby watching, pain etched on her face as she closed her eyes.

Suddenly James burst from the still surface, gasping, reaching for Miles.

Miles held him. They stared at each other for a moment. Then they laughed. Lizzy watched in confusion.

"You've ruined this camping trip. Can we go home now, please?" Miles asked.

Lizzy shook her head.

"Lizzy. You of all people…" He said looking at her.

She looked at him and shook her head again. "If you understood love as I do…" She said. "I will not abandon him…even now."

James reached out and took her hand kissing it gently. He then looked at Miles and shook his head at him.

"Ah, James. I'm scared." Miles said.

"So am I." Lizzy said.

"Sorry." James said. It took a lot of effort to stay above the water. He was exhausted, but he needed to do this, to see it through. "If you can't do this, tell me…" He looked at Miles. "I'll swim as far as I can. I'd rather not be alone, mate."

"You aren't alone." Lizzy said.

"Lizzy you can go back if you want to." James said.

She shook her head. "No."

"Please ... Miles." James said. "Lizzy can't do this alone…" He reached out and grabbed the collar of his shirt. "Do this. Miles! Please!" James begged. Miles held him. They stared at each other.

This was the end.

Lizzy caressed her husband's head, she wrapped her arm about him and sighed, pressing her head to his. "James let go." She whispered.

James was weak and beaten and tired. He looked around at Bill and Davy. He looked at the sea, and the sky... and smiled...

He looked relieved.

He turned for a moment to look at his wife, his eyes clear for a moment and he touched her cheek softly. "I love you."

She leaned against it, kissing his palm. "I know." She told him. "I love you…so much."

He nodded. "Thank you." He said.

James sank down, releasing the air in his lungs as he dropped. Miles can hardly breathe. He stared down. James stared up at him. Miles sank with him. Lizzy was still on the surface as James looked up at her as well.

Miles held James under. James's breath ran out and he started an involuntary convulsion. His face showed the fear and panic and he grabbed at Miles's face fighting to save himself, to swim to the surface, but Miles held him under. Miles fought himself with all his will-power to hold him down.

Miles's own breath was running out. The urge to lift James from the water was unbearable. Their eyes never left each other.

A new set of hands came to help. James looked at Lizzy as she looked at him, coming into his view. He almost smiled even as he fought her. She looked at him sadly, locking eyes with him, begging forgiveness for this. A forgiveness he would tell her if he could.

Miles can't hold on much longer.

Then suddenly James went limp. He's still alive, staring at the other two. There is no more need to hold him under. Water has filled James's lungs. The bubbles of air have gone. There is a stillness.

James can see the light behind Lizzy as the new day dawns, sunlight flickering on the sea making her seem to glow. Glow like an angel. Her soft smile made him calm as the end drew closer. She took his hand, desperate to show him what he meant to her. She pressed it to her belly. Letting him feel his children one last time.

His fingers flexed and then he went limp, his body lifeless, his eyes staring into nothingness. She swam to his face, closing his eyes and hugging him for a moment.

What had she done?!

Miles broke the surface, sputtering looking about. Alive. He looked and Lizzy erupted next to him, coughing a little before tipping her head back to get her hair behind her. She looked at him and he nodded, touching her cheek as tears came, hot, down her cheeks. He knew all too well the pain she was feeling.

He looked down below them where James is floating, arms out, dead. He nodded to Lizzy to swim back. "I'll bring him." He said softly.

She looked down and then nodded, diving under the surface like and otter and swimming for shore. Miles pulled James up to him and swam back for shore.

Davy and Bill helped Lizzy out of the water. She was exhausted and she panted, trying to catch her breath as she sobbed. She collapsed near the waterline. Bill tried to comfort her, but knew it would be impossible.

Miles was not far behind holding James's body. He came to the shallows, carrying his limp friend's body to the shore. He tripped, ducking under a moment before pulling James along. Bill and Davy came to him, lifting his dead burden from him.

Davy came to him as Miles looked about. He cried out and Davy hugged him. Miles then broke free and went to Lizzy, pulling her into a hug, collapsing as they both sobbed in grief. Bill held James to him as Davy pulled the other two into a fierce hug.

They then walked together, shakily to where Bill was, holding the body of James. All of them in their own grief as they sat. Lizzy hugged James's body. "I'm sorry, James…so sorry." She whimpered.

Davy dropped behind her trying so hard to help as he caressed her hair and then settled for holding her as her small body became wracked with hysterics. She calmed after an hour or so and the boys looked at her, wondering if she was asleep. Bill could see her eyes were open. She blinked looking out. Finally still.

Her husband wasn't in pain anymore. He was free. She swallowed hard and sat up. She struggled to stand, pushing Davy away as he tried to help her. She looked at James's face. Water was streaming from his mouth as it would for some time, even sitting up. His eyes were shit, but he was relaxed and almost serene.

She stood up, wobbling a little as she walked to the tent. Miles followed her, wanting to make sure she didn't do something stupid or rash. He owed that to James.

She found her small bag she had been carrying with her anti-nausea meds and some other things. She sighed heavily and then lifted a small plastic bag. She swallowed, looking at the bag a moment. She lifted it to him.

He took it and looked at it, shocked, amazed, and horrified all at once. How had she managed to keep it a secret? How had she the strength not to use it? He realized it then what he should have realized as she sat there, a hand on her full belly, looking up at him. She was the kind of wife any man would want. The kind of wife who would see something happen for the greater good even at great cost to herself.

She met his gaze and nodded.

He swallowed and opened the bag and took out the thing inside.

It was her mobile phone.


	8. Epilogue - Tabula Rasa

Tabula Rasa

Chapter 8 – Tabula Rasa – Epilogue

Elizabeth sat in the grass.

She was surrounded by the laughter of children. She loved the small home that she had. It had been left to her when James had passed. A small cottage with a garden, a small yard, large mature trees, and in a small town.

She looked up and focused on the two dark haired youths running about playing in a small swimming pool. They were splashing each other and laughing.

So full of life.

So beautiful.

One of them tripped and she smiled as he picked himself up. "Are you okay James?" She asked him.

He nodded, but still came to her two fat tears in his eyes. She smiled and kissed him and his knee before sending him back out.

"Be careful Mark." She said to the other affectionately as he bouncing into the water with a peal of laughter. He was joined by his twin and they both giggled.

She could not believe it had been five years. Five years since James had left her life. She sat on a blanket, a large sun hat on and in a sun dress as she watched the play. From behind her came a growl as a man ran forward and dove into the pool, careful not to hurt them, but splashing and playing all the same.

Lizzy laughed as she watched and shook her head in delight.

He lifted his face seeing her there and he went to her, smiling as he dropped down pressing a hand to the swell of her abdomen. Davy was such a good man, a great father to the boys he treated as his own. They did not know they were not his children, there was no need for them to know that now. Later, perhaps, but not now.

He pressed a kiss to her belly and smiled. Inside was his own little girl. It had taken him weeks to get Lizzy to speak to him. She had retreated into herself after James's death. He hardly blamed her. He had taken it hard too. He tried, but she would sit and stare off into the distance. She only ate and drank enough to keep the children alive in her, her only joy, and her only part of James she had left.

He had found her one day, when she was nearly due, in the graveyard, sitting in the rain, cleaning her husband's gravestone with care. He had come to her, fearing she would catch her death. He had put his coat on her and gently helped her to her feet.

He looked down at the stone of his friend and sighed. He touched it as well and then looked at Lizzy. She looked pale and faint. She looked at him and then had slowly lifted her hand to him. He had taken it gently, shocked at how cold her skin was, and held it firmly. He looked again at the gravestone.

_James Kimberly Griffith _

_1979 – 2010_

_Accidental death by drowning._

_Loving Husband and Father_

"He would not want you dead. He would want you to live." Davy said softly.

She nodded. She stepped to him, pressing her soaking, cold, shivering body to him. He held her looking as at his friend's grave wanting so much to honor his promise to be there, to love, and cherish this woman. She fainted dead away in his arms and he held her close, changing positions so he could carry her back.

He carried her back to James' parent's home a few blocks away. Both of them were dripping wet. He laid in bed and stepped back as James's mother pulled off her soaking clothing and pulled a flannel nightgown on and made a hot water bottle to warm her. Lizzy's lips were blue and she shivered.

She had woken with a fever, but Davy had stayed at her side and made her eat soup and drink tea. She let him, watching him, saying nothing. He then had crawled into the bed with her, himself dressed in dry clothing, and held her, full dressed, trying to warm her, to let her know she was safe, loved, and he was there.

She had gone into labor that night and he had been there, at her side, the whole time. Miles had come as well and together they helped her bring James' children into the world. The hospital staff thought it a wonder that the two men stayed with the young widow through all the pain, shouting, and crying, but in the end, two healthy boys came into the world, both dark haired and blue eyed with high cheek bones.

James would live on through them.

She finally had spoken naming them James Miles and Mark David. Davy and Miles were thrilled to be named and had cried happily as they held the small creatures, helping Lizzy learn to breast feed them.

She rapidly gained back her strength. Chloe, Miles, and Davy saw to that. Davy eventually was able to start courting her, and two years after the birth of the twins, Lizzy agreed to marry him. He had been happy.

Now they were expecting their own baby and life could not be happier. Davy had found work in a job he loved and Lizzy was still a pharmaceutical representative. She was working for a new company now and happy.

He sighed, lying back in the sun, closing his eyes beside her. His hand rested on her leg as she looked at a piece of paper she held in her hands.

It was in James's fine hand. She had found it on her desk some months ago and had never read it. The envelope had: _To my beloved darling wife Elizabeth Griffith _

She lifted it taking a breath and read it.

_So I raise a morphine toast to you all. And, if you should happen to remember, it's the anniversary of my birth, remember that you were loved by me, and that you made my life a happy one. And there's no tragedy in that._

She swallowed and smiled. A single tear rolled down her cheek as she looked upwards. "I miss you James." She said.

She swallowed again and then set the paper down. She rose to her feet and laughed as she began to chase her children. Davy joined in and they all laughed.

This was what it meant to be happy and a family.

And somewhere above them in the stars, James was smiling down at them.

XXXXXX

I rarely put author notes in my papers, but this one somewhat required it due to the hard core problems with the subject matter. Due to my very personal brush with cancer, and lung cancer (carcinoma) at that, I found this tragic story to be both very close to home, heartwarming, and sad all at the same time.

The serious issues that this brought up was the idea of assisted suicide by drowning. Mark never got to this point, in fact he ran a marathon and placed and died that evening refusing to give in, but like James, want to have control on how and when he went and he did not want his love ones to see him die in pain and by inches.

It is an interesting thing to think about. Just how far would you be willing to go to save someone torment? Would you help them end it all in order to protect them and you from the pain? Lizzy made that hard choice and it lies similarly, should I have been in those shoes and witnessed it, where I would have been. I know had Mark asked me to, I would have helped him, but thankfully it never came to that.

This story explores if it had…

I dedicate this story to two people I have lost in my life to cancer and the millions of others who will feel a connection to this story due to the nature of it. Melanie Baker, my dear worker that we lost this year after a long battle, and Mark Croucher, my beloved man who I would give the world to have back.

Thank you, Namaste, and Blessings be upon you. _Tavingtonsbeauty _


End file.
